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I feel so awful and hopefully someone will sooth my bad feelings. My poor little boy was pts on Wednesday from probable IMPA. He had a run of events from ruptured cruciate in March, then halfway through hydro in July he became very ill and stopped eating where we found he had ulcers probably from taking metacam. He was taking off drugs and tube fed for two weeks and given meds before he started to eat again. They he returned to hydro for 4 more weeks. This time round his strides were stunted at the front and he winced when she dried him on our last session. His ligament looked great but he was general a little lame. We returned to the vets and they upped his meds. This was med Sept. He continued to look lame but not obvious as to what was going on and he became grumpy about me touching his foot. I took him back to the vets twice about the way we he was holding his back leg and his nails were sticking up. More drugs, change to gabapentin and I was still not happy. Asked for xray to see if anything going on, this was the other rear legs. They found he had a damanged nail bed so the nail was removed and we waited for it to heal while taking and antibiotic called Zodon. At his appointment she noted his gait was odd and it could be neurological. At his check up she gave us more zodon as his toe still looked sore. She was concerned about this pain in that leg as he reacted to her moved him at his hip. His toenail area started to heal but he
was very wobbly by now and drugs were upped again then a week later his appetite went down hill and I was worried about him having an ulcer again. She took him straight off zodon in case it was a reaction and he went back on meds for his tumm y as he was sore. She mentioned his neck maybe sore which is why he was doing little steps on front legs.We took him home and he just got worse and worse and then began to fall over in the garden. When we took him to the vets last week she wanted to put him to sleep due to his pain. He was now trembling and had not eaten well for 2 weeks and asked us to help him get up. he was grumpy when we got him up and stopped wanted to walk. I wanted to let him go due to the pain but I brought him home as my Hubby wanted to say goodbye. We changed our mind against the vets advise and took him to a specialist and they assesed him and the day or two before we took him his belly became bloated. On his assesment they confirmed not neurological and he was assesed again by someone in medicine and another department who suspected IMPA. They needed to check what was going on with his stomach and saw a mass. My vets saw something when he had ulcers but said it look benign and when he had a biopsy they came back ok, just the ulcers.That aside the main issue was inability to walk or want to eat and he was very weak. He was anaemic also . They said they could put him on steroids assuming his scan and biopsy were ok but they did not know if they could get him back on his feet. He would of been 14 in April but he was fit and healthy up to all of this until he got his ulcers. We deleberated about treating him, I wanted to but felt so guilty about putting him through everything and him being so unhappy. He had to be muzzled as he was so angry about then touching and moving him. It was heartbreaking as he was the softest of mini schnauzers. I also felt guilty about guilty however about not treating him. We asked the vets and they all agreed if it were there dog it was kinder to let him go. There was no sucess of getting him mobile again and we would have alot to go through. She feared we would be having the same discussion within a few days. She said we absolutely doing the right thing by saying goodbye and with his age and the severity of his condition he did not leave us with alot of choice. Now I know more about the disease I am starting to feel guilty and that maybe he could of come out of it but then I read about the dogs who are ok for a day and then not. He was already on 3x gabapentin a day, 3x paracetamol and 3 x tramadol and it wasnt touching the pain. He can not have nsaids and one the other treatments possible would take up to 2 weeks to possibly work. Everthing against us and they were concerned they could not get on top on his pain and that he would ever have quality of life. without a shadow of a doubt they said I was chosing the right way yet now I feel so low and guilty I was to break down. I miss him so much and would of done anything for him but his little face said Mum Im struggling and I dont want to be hear....I feel lost, angry, guility, if only it had been picked up sooner, if only I knew what was wrong with him and he could of been treated easier, I didnt need to lose him

Dear Terri
My goodness what a journey you've been on with your little boy! What really comes across so loud and clear is the extent of your love and commitment to him, and your willingness to do all you could to keep him in good health for as long as possible. He was certainly a very lucky boy to have had you as his Mum!
I want to tell you that you 100% took the right decision to let him go and be at peace. You did all you possibly could but you knew instinctively it was the right time to say goodbye to your little darling.

I completely understand and empathise with how you are feeling...I have been in your place and, I too, felt utterly bereft, and unable to cope with the staggering physical and emotional pain. I believed no one else knew the extent to which I was suffering, that no one could ever feel as low and helpless. I too felt alone, desperately trying to cope day to day...
What I can promise you, with all my heart, is that you WILL work through your grief and enormous sense of loss - it just takes time and a lot of patience with yourself.

I would recommend a book on pet bereavement (I bought an excellent one on Amazon which really helped) and for me, most importantly, contacting the Blue Cross pet charity bereavement service. It is free and confidential, and you can either telephone or use email.

I had a number of "sessions" via email with a counsellor called Bob, and it really did help me cope day to day.
Don't be hard on yourself - grief is a process with a number of stages you need to go through, and often it will be one step forward two back, but I promise you as time passes you WILL start to notice a difference..but it cannot be rushed and it's so important to be gentle on yourself and 'go with the flow'.

Finally, keep in touch on here, or visit the Facebook group where many people chat and post photos of their beloved pets.

You are not alone.

Take care,

Best wishes

Michelle