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I am having an extremely difficult time at the moment coming to terms with the death of my cat. I left him at the vets two weeks ago for a routine dental (in line with my vets advice) and he died under anesthetic. I have had pets die in the past and these deaths always cause me great distress. However, these pets have always been unwell and the time had come for them to be put to sleep. I was always with them at the end. In this case Winston was a happy and healthy cat. On the Monday morning he couldn't understand why I wasn't getting him his breakfast, he kept hugging me and sitting at the spot where I fed him. At 9.00am I lifted him, put him in a cage, transported him by car (which he hated), left him frightened at the vets and walked away. At 11.30am I got the telephone call to tell me he had passed away under anesthetic. The vet could offer no explanation, just that his heart had slowed down and stopped. I am finding this grief on a different level than anything I have experienced before. I am also beating myself up as I may have missed a sign last year that he did not react well to anesthetic. He had been put under anesthetic to remove grass that had become stuck in his throat. The vet released him home about 1 1/2 hours after the procedure. A short while after he came home he fell into a very, very deep sleep and remained like this for an hour or two. He was totally out of it. However after this he woke up and was fine as if he had never even been at the vets. I didn't give it any further thought. However in hindsight I realise now that if I had flagged this up with my vet then things might have turned out differently. This is adding to my grief. Also my decision to book him in for the dental and the fact that he died without me. I have buried him in my back garden. I have 6 other cats which I love very much but at the moment I am barely able to function. I have never been one for medication, counselling etc but at the minute I don't know how to get through this pain.

Dear Hazel, I do understand your grief. My T.C. died 3 months ago tomorrow, yet there is not a day I don't think of him or a night i don't dream of him. To me he was the most wonderful cat I could ever wish for, I have never known a cat so full of life. He was the life and soul of my furry family, always looking for shadows to chase or new corners to explore. And yet at only 5 years old, he died within a week of showing any signs of being ill. And I too feel so guilty that I had not picked up on this sooner. It was in the hottest week of this summer so when he went off his food I assumed he was too hot to eat. To make it worse, His brother, the best friend in the world to him and his regular play mate, was ill the exact same week with a bladder disorder and I rushed him into the vet for a life saving operation. So I also assumed that was another reason for T.C. s lethargy. By Sunday, I realized he was very unwell and rushed him to my local vet as my regular vet was closed. He was jaundiced and clearly very very ill. I phoned the vet all evening to discover his progress and the results of his blood tests. On the monday morning the vets phoned to tell me he had died. cause unknown. I later had a autopsy performed and discovered he died of pancratitis. I will never forgive myself for not picking up on this sooner, and however much anyone says it wasnt my fault just makes me feel worse. I could have saved him, but it was only through ingorance and not through intent that he died. And in the same way, you must realize that you loved him so much that you would never have put him through the operation had you known the consequences. You loved him so much and he was lucky to have a kind owner like you, such as you were lucky to have such a great cat! No other cat will ever replace him. This is how I feel about my T.C. also. Yet, the others also need your love and caring. I allow myself to grieve. He was my baby, and as important as any other family member. I dont know if I will ever fully recover from the pain, yet I struggle through each day, knowing my other cats need me. Christmas wont be the same without him pulling baubles off the tree. I dont know if I have been of help. But I do understand your pain and guilt. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, yet we can do nothing to change events that have passed. However much we wish we could. I send you my blessings. And I am so sorry for your loss x

Dear Hazel , How I feel your pain . It is a huge loss to lose your cat . Please dont blame yourself , you did the best you could as a loving caring owner . I just am thankful that their are are folks like you in this world who loves cats xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hazel, I know it's not of any comfort to you, but I know only too well how you feel, and you are in shock as well as grief. It's very hard not to (I am the same as you) but please don't crucify yourself for doing your best for Winston. It REALLY is not your fault. No matter what you think now, you can't possibly have known about his heart. You love him, so it's terrible, and he has left you too soon. No-one can change it, unfortunately, but had he not passed peacefully and painlessly away under anaesthetic - which he would have known nothing about, who knows what might have happened to him in the future with that heart problem? I know you are in agony -the more we love, the more we grieve, and this was too soon for Winston. But please know in your heart -where he is -that you were only looking after him, and Fate has cruelly dealt you a bitter blow. Harder still, try to put that last day out of your mind, eventually (you won't be able to let that go for a while, but trust me, you WILL) and concentrate on the lovely times with him. It will take time, and you will never forget this horror, but I'm certain that Winston knew he was loved every minute of his life with you. If you feel the need, please do go to your GP -this is the loss of a family member. I used to be like you and try to rely on my own inner strength, but sometimes we need help, and I'm not ashamed to say that I have been prescribed medication recently to get me through loss -it doesn't have to be more than a stepping stone so that you can sleep at least. And talking about Winston to people who understand your devastation and loss will be a great comfort. Meanwhile, please make sure that your other cats gets get the opportunity to give you the love you so clearly deserve. I am feeling your heartbreak, and am so sorry for your loss, but equally, am very glad Winston is not suffering -death is more terrible for those left behind. xxx

Hazel,

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Hello Hazel, I am so sorry for your loss, and share your sadness . We love our precious furry babies so much and do everything that we can for them. Please don't blame yourself for what happened ; you had no idea of any problem with Winston's heart and the vet couldn't have known either. I know how you are feeling; we all go through so many feelings and I still grieve the loss of my beautiful cat Toffee who I lost nearly three years ago. We go through everything trying to reason with what has happened and to try to think of things that have happened; should we have done this, should we have done that ! You loved him so much and that is the most important thing; you loved him and cared for him; the gift of love is such a wonderful thing and you shared that with Winston and he knew it. Maybe talking to a pet bereavement counsellor would help, if you feel you need to talk to someone. We are always here for you; we all share the desperate feeling of loss that you are feeling. Keep him around you with photos ; I have them everywhere; cry if and when you want to. Winston will be in your heart forever Hazel so always near. Sending you love and hugs. I do understand ! XXXX

Thank you so much to everyone who wrote messages here and on facebook for your support and words of comfort.

We are here for you Hazel if you want to talk again. Take care of yourself. Hugs Xx

Hazel, thank you for your response to my post today. It seems we have had a very similar experience and it helps so much to hear from you. I always knew there was a low statistical chance of this happening, but you never think it will be you. Like you I have suffered the death of pets before, but these have been expected and you take comfort that they have led full and happy lives. There is something particularly heartbreaking when a young innocent life has been lost, it just makes you wonder what its all about. My wife and I would really like to thank you for your kind words and are glad that you have found some comfort. We will take your advice on board.