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Hi, this site helped me so much when I lost my cat Ellie 11 months ago and thought writing again might help. I was very anti cats for a long while after losing her, in that I didn't really want to say hello to them or want one ever again. Ellie was my first cat in adulthood and a special bond for me during a big time in my life.

During the summer lots of cats came visiting me in my garden, one particularly captured my heart, I still felt if I was to have another cat it would "find" me ! Ellie just came across my path, I didn't look for her.

Anyway, whether its emotional needs or just change but I started thinking differently a few months ago, my partner having been a dog person fell in love with my cat and talked about getting another pet. Anyway, I have done lots and lots of rational thinking and emotional questioning and the result is that I said to my partner if he wanted a dog or cat, that was great, he has decided on two kittens we saw yesterday.

I was able to express my worries, I know they will not replace Ellie and they will be whole new relationships. The thing is I am worried I am not going to love them as much. I explained this to my partner, he wants to take responsibility for them in the main (he didnt with my cat) so I am feeling sort of emotionally safe thinking of them as "his" and see how I go.

I recognise that I shouldnt deny myself the possibility of enjoying another cat but in a different way but still worried I wont enjoy it. It feels irrational as I cant know. I still enjoy watching cats behaviour etc, but there was a really special communicative element to my cat which I dont necessarily seek again. Lap cat would be great!

Anyway just wondered if anyone else felt this emotional ambivalence and fear of not giving enough to a new pet because you gave so much to the last, it just happened that way and I havent had a more "ordinary" relationship with a cat before, although it would be great if I felt confident that if this is what happens it will be ok and fair on the cat! As I write I can tell its perhaps the memory of Ellie popping up because the possibility of these cats coming into my life and maybe my heart is quite real (also the anniversary time of her getting ill)

Thoughts appreciated.
Thankyou
Sally

Sally, don't be so hard on yourself! You are not replacing the cat you have lost, but starting a whole different relationship. I've had pets for over 35 years and have lost many during that time, but I have remembered every cat and dog as each one is different and my relationship with each one was different. Of course you will love the new cat as much as you loved Ellie, only differently. That is the key to making a new relationship work, don't treat the new cat as if she was Ellie, view her as a totally different cat, as indeed she will be. I guarantee you, if you open your heart to a new pet - that you and your partner can share, there's no room for "his and her" pets, you will be in love with that animal by the time a couple of days have passed. Ellie will be watching from The Bridge and applauding the fact that she taught you to love so well, that you feel ready to share your life with another cat. Enjoy this new relationship, both you and your partner together. By the time you've had the kittens a week you'll wonder why you were worried. Good luck. <3

Some comments from Facebook:

Janet Webster: "We always get another pet especially one who needs help and its amazing how they grow into our lives, we never forget our departed pets but I think they would love us to have some more rescue pets."

Lesley Fyfe: "i was the same when i lost my mainecoon Aby STILL miss him to this day even though i,d got Cas a month after Aby went and that was nearly 3 yrs ago now Cas is a Bengal /Mainecoon cross and a total nutjob BUT i luv him to bits even if he does think he rules the house x"

Doreen Scoular: "my 18 yr old cat susie died i had her since she was 2 week old i wasdeverstated when she died i got 2 7 wek old kittens that had been dump 3 yrs after susie they r now 7 yrs old they will never replace susie but i love them so much x"

Naomi Brechin: "I lost Tiggy in Easter last year. He'll be alive forever in my heart. He did have a strange habit of jumping on my back that none of my other cats did. In August I got a new kitten Molly. Much more wild than Tiggy ever was but also loves jumping on my back. When she first did it it felt like I was.getting Tiggy's approval"

Arlene McVeigh: "I had a jrt for 12yrs she was 7 weeks when i rescued her and 2 months short of her 12th birthday she was diagnosed with severe renal failure and i had to make the decision to have her put to sleep, a month after she passed away i was asked to rescue a 2yr old West Highland Terrier now i am going to be honest here at that time it was the last thing i ever wanted to do but i did it and now 2 and a half yrs on i am glad i did, he will never take her place no other dog could do that but i truly believe she sent him to me to help ease my pain and i would rescue again and again if i had to. Look at it as honouring the memory of the furbabe u have had to let go."

Thank you so much for all the thoughts and for putting something on the facebook page.

Geraldine, your post hit the spot particularly. Thank you so much, half of me really does have the mindset you are talking about, I guess it's a transition and when I get into it, all will feel better. At the moment I am still swaying a bit into the past experience, which is long gone, it just all came up again.

The kittens will stay with their mummy for a few more weeks and we will pick them up then. Two, brother and sister, that in itself is different. Two characters to get to know and watch together. Thank you all again, I will let you know how I get on.
Sally

Sally if you are big hearted then you will soon find that you can love another furry friend. I have had cats all my life and my heart has broken every time one has passed on. My beloved Cuddles died 14 mths ago, age 14, leaving my family and my other cat Smudge (12) devestated. We slowly got use to be a one cat family, until 6 weeks ago my daughter said would I like 2 kittens, who were in need of good home, and of course I said yes. We have had Ruby and Rosie 4 weeks now and they have brought so much laughter into our lives again. Even Smudge is in his second kitten hood now, playing with them and having his tail chased. I have so much love for these kittens that I feel that I am going to burst with love for them, but I make sure that Smudge knows that he is still loved too. I still love all my cats that have passed on, and I hope that they are causing trouble up there in heaven with the angels.

Ah Carol, thanks for sharing your story. It gives me confidence and not feel so silly/confused or alone. I had cats when I was a child but ellie was my first sole responsibility cat. I haven't been through the cycle as it were and I did remember today that my mum used to say to me that my Ellie reminded her of Twink her very first cat, that she still had fond fond memories of despite having other pets in the meantime. So I guess I need to get used to the idea of having love come along again with a pet, I just never imagined it really and thought that might be the end of my pet days - I am only 42, but it did feel like that. I feel more comfortable after writing and reading that I can hold them all in my heart, Ellie and the two new kittens. Thank you.

I really enjoyed hearing about your cats Carol and how you have heart and care for all of them in different ways and to hear of unexpected benefits like Smudge livening up. I guess uncertainty is part of it too, stuck in my ways with Ellie, she was 14 and actually when she died it co-incided with other changes in my life, so it really was the end of an era and way of being. So these kittens are coming along into a new chapter.

Its a terribly emotional time when a pet has come to the time to pass on and I have experienced it many times always with the "never again" phrase. But my life without pets would be incomplete so each time it happens, despite my resolve I end up putting myself back in the frame for more heartache, however before the heartache will hopefully be lots of unconditional love, comfort, fun and laughter. Each cat has been totally different and has had its own little part that makes them individual so they have never replaced a departed pet merely helped to fill the enormous void that their passing leaves.

Hi Sally, I'm in a similar position to you, we lost our beloved Scruff August before last, we only had her eighteen months and she was only three when she died. We knew there was something wrong when we got her from the rescue centre but we didn't think it would take her so quickly. Anyways, not being much of a pet person myself, I think I'm too selfish for pets, I got her primarily as I thought it would be good for the family, particularly the children who adored her. However, animals are very smart, they recognise pretty quickly who the 'boss' is and she quickly wormed her way into my affections (: I decided recently it was time to get another family pet, again 'for the children' because I think it's good for them to have something smaller than themselves to nurture. Plus I could also be 'ambivalent' because it was for them not me. I decided on kittens, because like you, I found the idea of replacing Scruff with another dog difficult, it felt disloyal. However, I also recognise that I'm not prepared to take on the walking responsibility of a dog again. To cut a long story short, we've had the kittens a couple of weeks now and they are gorgeous but they're very independent and I was a bit miffed to find that actually they're deciding whether they like me! So I've found myself trying to worm my way into their affections! There's a lesson in there somewhere...good look with the kittens but you might find that pets are actually quite fussy about people too (: Denise

Hi Sally, hope you don't mind but I've decided to pass on my green words of encouragement....rose tinted glasses are definitely coming off!!! They're still entertaining and gorgeous but boy do have minds of their own...

They are brother and sister also, Baloo the girl, smaller, black & white and Nacho, the bigger is a tabby. They're up all night 'playing' We've spent the last few weeks worrying about Nacho being over dominant towards Baloo but it transpires that Baloo is the naughty one, nothing keeps her out of a bin and she turns into hannibal lecter when she finds a piece of meat, the growling and hissing is impressive! At the moment keeping them off kitchen surfaces is the big challenge plus Baloo will try every trick in the book to open a door if there's food behind it, it's impossible to enjoy a meal whe you see Baloo's paws swiping under the door. Not trying to put you off but if you have any advice on discipline, I'd appreciate it. They're certainly settling in. Denise

Hi Denise
Sounds like you have a busy house :) We haven't got the kittens yet, the owner has been a bit disorganised and not been in touch as promised. It is only serving to set my ambivalence off again! So I dont have any advice about the two kittens antics - two will be new to me as well and of course there is no knowing the personalities and whether they will get on.

I do remember that there are a few crazy weeks with kittens, climbing curtains, getting in cupboards as they develop their personalities and find their way in the world. I am certain things will settle down. I am not sure that discipline is possible with cats! :) Although if they are attention seeking, you can quietly remove them from where you dont want them to be and move them somewhere else and ignore them - making sure to interact when you want, at playtime. They should pick up a few manners if you try this.

Sally

Hi Sally, thanks for the advice, I think the mayhem of xmas didn't help, too many interesting nibbles lying around. Everything is tidier now (: and they seem to have settled on a room of their choice. This message is a short one as I'm typing left handed, right hand is out of action for a while due to New Years day accident. Will keep you posted re developments and look forward to hearing how you get on with your kittens. Denise

Hi Sally, hand is better

We know have a kitten and a parrot, Baloo, the autistic genius, insists on perching on the shoulder, she doesn't 'do' lap, that would be trop ordinaire (: it's a bit like being a pirate and we often have a tail exploring our facial features, bit disconcerting but hey, at least she's settling in, she wasn't very friendly initially and she is still precious so you take what you can get...

Nacho is what I imagine a 'normal' kitten to be, very loving and approachable, definitely a lap cat. They both head nudge when they want attention, very touching, I didn't know cats did that!

It's very sweet watching them look out the glass doors to the garden, the big scary yonder, they're dying to explore but quite in awe of the smells and sounds when the door is opened. Of course we can't let them out yet, not until March.

They've stopped squabbling, we make sure we give them equal stroking and verbal attention and they don't sleep together so much, they used to be snuggled up with their paws around each other so they must be feeling more confident. I don't really have the heart to put them in a different room and ignore them, they're so little (: but we do when we are eating because they really are cheeky monkeys when it comes to food.

I hope some of that helps prepare you for the kittens, I actually enjoy sharing the great wealth of expertise gained over the last month... (:

Denise

Hi Denise
The updates sound like you are all settling and getting to know one another.

We have the kittens. After a bit of tooing and frowing with the owner not setting date to get them and then changing it and then my partner having doubts, they arrived last Friday. I had kept out of it all in the main, I knew if it was just down to me, I probably would not have looked for cats. I watched my partner umming and arrhing (he is the indecisive one) and eventually he went and got them.

They are gorgeous, I am intrigued, I am not instantly bonded, but I have to say I am glad we had two. As people advised me there just isn't a comparison to my beloved cat Ellie and apart from noticing a few similar automatic thoughts and actions I haven't really thought of her in relation to them. Although I have been thinking about her more.

It is fantastic to watch them teach each other things, their interactions are great. They werent that interested in us for a couple of days, they were playing and cuddling together, washing together which was lovely to watch. We havent named them yet, cant decide. The boy is more of a plodder and she is very lively when she gets going but he joins in, he will come to sit nearby and she has to be there. I think there is some jelousy now of human attention and definate finding out between them, who is top cat. I dont know who is winning :)

Only problem so far is a few litter tray accidents from the girl, they both arrived trained but he is using both the trays and I think she is put off! He even comes to bump her out when she is near it and every time I clean it, he leaves his scent again! He also seems to be nudging her out of the way when eating and steals her wet food before she has finished. She is better with play fighting and exploring quicker than him.

I am sure my two will go their separate ways a bit more when they find their feet, for now its very sweet to see them together.

Sally

Hi Sally,

Maybe try one (very) large tray, he can't scent all of it! You've probably ironed out the problem by now anyway

Denise

Thanks Denise, the litter trays sorted themselves out in the end. We put a different litter in and she used it, left the other two trays out as well and he uses all three and she just the one! ? Funny ways they all have.

They are lovely kittens and seem to be settling into the place and life. I am finding it quite hard in a way, it's coming up to a year since I lost Ellie and I just don't have the same connection with these two, it's early days though and there are many many things to enjoy about them. I am pleased to say they are very bonded to my partner, it's good to share the love and care for them. I had Ellie when I was single and living alone or with lodges for the first 7 years of her life, so I guess that's very different.

How are you getting on with your new additions to family life?

You are welcome Sally, I have one litter tray, that's enough! (:

Sounds like you and Ellie had a very special relationship and that she shared a big part of your life's journey. You might never have the same connection with them as you had with Ellie, I suppose it's a bit like human relationships, no less loving, just different.

Our new additions have settled in. Baloo is terrifying...she perches on the top of great narrow heights, I try not to look, no idea how she gets up there, doors, balcony etc. Nacho just wants constant petting, which can be annoying as I am quite selfish in that respect.

It's also a bit like being a tree branch in the zoo, with one on the shoulder, the other on the knee, specially when I'm at my laptop.

Can't wait until they can go outside. In my pre cat days I used to get annoyed at cats doing their business in other people's gardens, not their own, I had a water pistol, now I can't wait to get rid of the litter tray and for them to go and do it in other people's gardens... (: (oops, are we supposed to keep the litter tray forever?)

But overall, they are very well loved and cared for, though the youngest is a bit sleep deprived at times as he worries about shutting them out of his bedroom at night, even though they have the rest of the house. I'm sure he will see sense eventually.

Denise