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It's been a week now since my little Jezebel started being ill, ending with the vet helping her sleep forever more on Tuesday evening. Only a few days and I feel so full of sadness. I miss her so much and just feel like I want to sleep forever too. I'm not suicidal or anything - just so tired. When I haven't anything else to fill my mind, thoughts of her keep coming back and renewing my sadness. This is the first time I've really experienced a loss like this. I've lost grandparents but when I was just a child and I wasn't really close to them. And I lost another cat, Ellie, but she disappeared one day and I heard several weeks later that she had been knocked over by a car and taken by the RSPCA and put to sleep. I suppose I don't think of her dying. With Jezzie I had to make the decision to let her go and I was there, sobbing with her in my arms, as the vet gave her the final injection. All I can see is her eyes as she drifted away and it's haunting me. The ridiculous thing is that I am a volunteer bereavement counsellor and so I understand all the theory behind what I'm experiencing, but I can't help myself. Everyone is being so lovely to me, my work has given me time off and my partner is being very supportive. I'm very lucky. I know not everyone has that kind of support. I get cross with myself for feeling this way - people lose their parents and children and Jez was only a cat. But she was my baby. I have another cat, Oz and he is lovely, but he doesn't seem to notice she's gone. I expected him to pine for her as much as I am. I know this sadness will pass in time, but at the moment it is agony. I just wanted to share my feelings with others who have gone through/are going through this.

Hi Jezzie's dad.

When I read your post, I thought it could be me you were describing. A little over 6 weeks ago, I lost my lovely Border Collie, Fly. She was my best friend and like you, although not suicidal, I felt so sad that I didn't care what happened to me. I feel a little better now and you know you will too. I can think of her now and talk of her still with sadness but the grief becomes less raw as the days pass. And yes, you have a lot of good things in your life too, not everyone has but I know this does not alter how you feel right now and yes it is agony. Try not to get cross with yourself, time is the only thing that will bring you some peace. This site helped me, as did my loving friends, and I hope you find some comfort here. What you did was the last act of love you could do for Jezzie, you would not have wanted to see her suffer. They do tell you when it's time and only we, their best friends can release them from their suffering. Think of how sad she would be to see you grieving so much. Thank you for sharing your feelings it helps me and others to know we are not alone in this ordeal and I hope in turn I have helped you. x

Thank you for your lovely words Barbara. I'm so sorry you lost Fly, but I'm pleased to hear you are felling better. Life goes on doesnt it. I can recognise that I'm moving into another stage of grief - guilt. I feel guilty when I haven't thought about Jez for a while. I feel guilty when I smile or laugh at something on the tele. I feel guilty when I enjoy some food. Again, I know this is just a natural part of moving through the grief, but it's a horrible part. Take care of yourself. Andy x

Please never feel guilty for experiencing the level of pain that comes with losing your beautiful babies. It is so lovely to read that you are healing, the happy times you remember begin to dominate the feelings of loss. I'm still in the early stages of loss for the second time this year, I lost my gorgeous big black cat Itchy on Sunday, he'd been poorly with cancer and so fortunately passed gently in the arms of my parents at home.He was 16 and had a beautiful life with us and his sister Scratchy (she was run over in April, we were heart broken but starting to feel happy with gorgeous thoughts of her little character) I had been terrified of us having to make the decision that was coming close with Itchy, if he hadn't been at home when the time came. However, on our last visit a three weeks back, our vet put it a lovely way - when the time comes, we have the bravest decision we can make, when the pain comes to them, we have the power to take it away and let them sleep. It is a devoted act of love. I really hope you both continue to heal, but remember loving so much is why it hurts so much and that says a great deal about character xx