Forums

Chopper was a Staffie who died in 1979 when I was 19, a teenager who had left home and who didn`t care. People who know me now would be appalled. Chopper had cancer, and a tumour had already been removed twice. The third time, the vet said it would be cruel to just keep removing the tumour, so my mum took Chopper to be euthanased. She was heartbroken and fled the vet`s without even stopping to bring back Chopper`s collar and name tag. When she wrote to me to tell me my childhood companion of 14 years was dead, I callously wrote back, "It`s just a dog!" - the very thing I now curse others for saying about our nonhuman friends. The last time I had visited home and had seen Chopper, I had also accidentally hurt him by catching his leg, pulling it sideways. That is awfully the last memory of him I had.
Chopper had come to us in 1967 when I was 7, and moved with us from London to Bournemouth. He shared our lives for 14 years after that, and we grew up together. In my teens I had taken him for granted. My mum looked after him. He loved me, but I was no longer the little boy who had loved him. I never mourned him.
My mother died this year, three weeks ago. I`m sorting out the family photos, including the cherished memories of Chopper. I don`t have many photos of him. But I`m weeping tears of blood over the memory of him, and my callousness and juvenile abandonment of him. My mum`s death has released the pain of Chopper`s loss, all these decades later.

Hi Anthony.

My heart goes out to you.

Grief has a way of doing that. We think we are grieving for one, and then another, older grief surfaces with it.

I think the fact that you are feeling this now proves your depth of love for chopper. When you lost him, you were at an age where it was probably important to be seen in a particular way. It's an age where you are still finding out who you are, and looking back I'm sure lots of things seemed important at the time which may not seem important now. Your avoidance of Chopper's death at the time doesn't mean you didn't love him. It doesn't mean you failed him either. It's natural to pull away from the family of your youth at that age, and from the sound of it, you were avoiding a grief you knew would be terrible and may not have known how to handle. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

As you've discovered, grief doesn't go away just because we ignore it. It's been there all along, and when you lost your mom that crack in your heart opened the gateway for it to come out.

Chopper won't have minded about the leg pulling. Accidents happen, but dogs live in the moment and they don't bear grudges. If anything, Chopper would want you to forgive yourself because he loved you. He would want you to remember the good times- those are the things that keep him alive in your heart.

It sounds like you've grown a lot since you were that boy of 19, and it sounds like you are a good-hearted, decent human being. I'm sorry for your losses and I truly hope that as you make your way through the grief process you will be gentle with yourself. It takes time.

We're all here for you. Please feel free to send me a pm if you want to talk about your mom or Chopper at any time.

Thank you so much. I`ve written a poem for Chopper but don`t know how to attach it. My email is mutualaid.anthony@googlemail.com What`s a pm? Thank you again for your kindness.

Hi Anthony,

Unfortunately the Forums here are not sophisticated enough to allow you to attach a poem but if you wanted to email it to me at shailen@theralphsite.com I can share it as a link where others can see it.

Hi Anthony. A pm is a private message, though perhaps that function isn't available on this site either. I'll send you an email so you have mine if you want it.

Thanks Shailen. I`m sending it now.

MEMORIAL POEM FOR CHOPPER:

http://bit.ly/choppermemorial

Beautiful poem. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you ever so much.

This Sunday is Chopper`s birthday, May 22nd.

Amazing and lovely that you remember him Anthony. Really touching to see.

Thank you. Always. As I approach my final decades (?) and have experienced (last year) the death of both parents, it is the dogs who have shared my life, and my parents` lives, for whom the pain is most keen, and also the memories.