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Hello. I wrotte this post another forum, but I would like to write here.
Already 4 months passed since she was euthanized. She was 17 and a half years and I think it was the fateful that we met. I knew her for 10 years she became my dog for the last seven and a half years. She chose me instead of my neighbour who raised her before.
Many people have been reported to have had a “soul” or “heart „dog. Well, she was that to me as well but I let her down, because I felt that the situation was hopeless.
My story is quite long, but I try to write here all important things.
When she was at age 15, she had FHO surgery for both side. He hip joined had been wearied off fully so she could not stand up. The drugs could not help her. I did not want to give her steroids. I thought surgery is the best solution.

She recovered soon after the surgery. I got back her almost as a puppy. She wanted to go for a walk all the time, running and jumping.
A few months later she began to walk strangely. She got ataxic movements.
I took her back to the doctor, who did the surgery, but he did not find anything on the x-ray, although she had pain in two legs (where the surgery occurred).The doctor recommended MRI but after two surgeries, wanted no more anaesthesia and that time the issue was not so serious at that time. That was a big mistake on my part. I also noticed that after surgery she began to behave strangely. I thought that this is simply the bad experience after two operations. Today, I'm almost 100% sure that she has started develop dementia after that two anaesthesia.
She became restless, nervous.
She started walking in the night, but sometimes she was restless in
daylights as well. Her legs were getting weaker and often in tangled together. Our walks became shorter but she still loved to go out. In the summer of 2014 was able to run short distances, but she did this in a “bunny way” jumping.
In the autumn of 2013 she kept on throwing up one whole day so we took her to the doctor. I was afraid that something seriously wrong with her. I also regretted this. Maybe it was only a temporary, mild infection, it was not clear why she vommited.The medical result showed slightly higher values for two pancreatic but it was not straightforward what is the diagnosis.
She was stressful before and during medical examination. After her dementia (that time I did not know that she had this) she could be examined only with wearing a muzzle. The doctor was unable to place the muzzle properly and he became angry with my dog and treated her badly. He could not relax my dog but she just became more nervous. He shook my dog angrily. Finally he asked for help and managed to place the muzzle. I was very upset and sorry for her. All the time I kept saying that she was nearly falling off the examination table. He told to leave the room as my dog will not be relaxed if I stay there worrying. I made this error and left my dog alone. I should rather take out my dog from the hands of the doctor. But I wanted to know why she was vomiting and whether she has any serious trouble. When I went back to the room my dog was completely exhausted. I do not know what they did to her how they treated her. Sure that my dog went to a worse mental state from that tome. I think it was due to the stress experienced there. How can a doctor treat a dog so cruelly? Especially a 16-year-old dog? Then I decided that I would not bring her to doctors any more (unless there is an emergency). I did not want to expose her to such stress. Unfortunately I had to go back. That winter she was pretty quiet. Slept all winter. Often 15 hours at a stretch- In the spring - because of dementia and also because of good weather - she became terribly restless. She didn’t cry that time (she was not the crying type and even rarely barked). She could manage her incontinency in he flat but no longer was able to keep the stool when walking in he street) often while kept walking). We had to go to doctor again as her eyes could not produce tear. That doctor did not treat her badly but still it was a stress to my dog (we kept on visiting doctor between Januarys and October). She slowed down and often walked only a few steps. I thought this was due to a problem with her foot (and likely that was the cause). But maybe this (no walking) was also cause by her dementia. However, when she saw dog, began to run and bark. She was looking for meeting with other dogs. Her hind legs were getting weaker. Many times she had fallen and I had to help her back to her feet. After her é legs gradually weakened.

She often crossed her rear legs during walking. When I leaned one rear paw slightly she did not rearrange it back to normal straight position. Around August 2014 she was not able to walk any more. I supported her with a towel and she managed to move but always turned slightly to left. With her left leg often stepped under her chest se she fell onto her left side. Sometimes managed to walk on her four feet few meters but then fell again. Later she could no longer even stand for long without help. And since then just all became worse. We bought a dog car, but did not use that either. Likely it was heavy for her to pull and had no strength even in her front legs. She still turned always to left direction so made circles rather than going straight. I helped her with a towel (made holes to her legs) but she could not made her usual walk. I think her dementia (or what else) got worse. She still showed interest to other dogs but did not bark to them. And my dog that was silent most time started to scream and cry all night since she was unable to walk. She was restless and wanted to go out. She also did this screaming more and more during the day as well. I described her behaviour to doctors but they never told that this could be a dementia which can be worse a medicine could be recommended. I also told them that she gradually lost her weight but I got no answer form doctors.
Maybe they thought that she is too old. Her appetite, however, was very good. Did not vomit and had no diarrhoea. Meanwhile, I learned from internet that dogs with dementia (or with restless behaviour) often lose weight.
She probably needed a dental surgery as well. Another surgery however (I know this from net) likely could increase her dementia.
I should have taken her to a neurologist or orthopaedic doctor to examine her legs. Or to visit doctor bacause of symptoms of dementia. But I knew how my dog was afraid of doctors. When we took her into the car (this always meant doctor to her) she often pooped into the car because she was in fear.

I checked on he net what could cause her unrest. Why she did not sleep, went to the corner of the room, had incontinent etc.This search resulted that I found topics around dementia. I asked advice from netdoctors what medicine is available. They told me that this is Karsivan (in England Vivitonin which have same ingredient) or Xanax could help her relaxing. Unfortunately I did not go for Karsivan because I thought I'll try herbal drugs first. I wanted to protect her liver and the kidneys (as doctors told me earlier that these also not functioning properly for her).
I wanted to save her from medical examinations, because I knew how stressful it's been for her. She was suffering this way for two and a half months. Not really physically, but rather mentally. Maybe her legs were also in pain. She was constantly restless and did not sleep during nights or days. When I picked her up and carressed her se calmed down. She was even more relaxed when I took her to the garden or to the park. Often she just slept there (she was likely too tired of not sleeping at home). But the days were getting colder so she could not be
outside for hours. I was also tired as I could not sleep as well.
While I was at home with her 24 hours, I was so tired that I could not think clearly. But my dog likely suffered even worse. I often cried and was in very upset. Afterwards I felt guilty about it. I do not know what my dog sensed about it. I was not angry with her, just because of the hopelessness and and sleep deprivation, Sometimes I yelled at her which I regretted immediately and started to caress her. I spent all day with her treating her. There were moments when I felt I was going to crazy. One day I called a doctor to come out and euthanize her. I did not want to take her the doctor, because I know how she was afraid. When the doctor arrived and examined her I mentioned the Karsivan. She said that could wither help or not but it is not a magic medicine. I believed her. That time I have not read so many forums and was not aware of the good things related to Vivitonin and Aktivait. I asked her advice and she recommended euthanasia. And my sweet, cute dog has been euthanized. It was three months ago and since then I feel terrible guilt and suffers from grief. Why I listened to her?
Why I did not look better for medicines? Why not to take her to doctors? I didn’t want to expose her to further examinations but at least I had to try Karsivan. Why I wanted to protect so much her liver and kidneys? I read the forums and saw how many dog got this without any side effects. I was also afraid of steroids. But also read on forums that dogs got this medicine for years without any problems. Thinking back, I do not understand myself. After all I have done my dog with treating her, how could I let her down? Not only she suffered for months, but I also missed the last opportunity to try a medicine. I rather decided to euthanize her. Things got out of my hands. I did not realize things earlier. I did not look after things earlier. I did not take her to doctors. She suffered for two and a half months and at the end I shortened her life.

Since she died I constantly looking the internet. So I found UK forums.
I saw how many dogs had this illness and got help (even if cannot be cured fully) I know that many of you believe that I left her suffering for a long time (and I feel the same way) but it was not my intention. I wanted to help her, but simply I could not think clearly.
I did not know what to do, who to turn to.
I wanted to save her from medical examination, drugs and as I wrote before I knew basically nothing about dementia or Karsivan , Vivitonin or Aktivait. She most likely had also serious problems with her legs. Do not know how that could be treated at all. I’m sure of one thing. I never wanted any harm to her deliberately. I don’t know why all turned wrong in the end. Will I ever forgive myself?

Hi Sophie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog, you obviously had a very close link with her and losing her must have been hell for you. You had seven and a half happy years together and did everything you possibly could for her but it sounds as though you feel that you let her go too soon. I'm sure that your vet would not have suggested euthanasia if there had been any other alternative. Loving an animal means putting their needs before ours, it's the hardest decision any pet lover has to make but you didn't want her to suffer and you bravely put her needs first. Most owners who have to make such a decision will feel the same way, even when they know in their heart of hearts that is was the kindest thing to do and it takes time to come to terms with this. I may not be able to take away the pain of your loss but I'm here if you want to talk about her and your feelings. Sometimes sharing helps.

thinking of you,

Mary

Hello Sophie, your sad story has brought tears,and my heart goes out to you. After the death of our precious pets we all go through the agonising things that have happened and question what we could have done, should have done or actually did. It is part of the grieving, because we have to make that final decision to grant them the eternal sleep which we can do. I know and understand your feelings; have experienced the same after the death of my cat Toffee over 3 years ago. i say eternal sleep, because it is a term used by a member of a group I belong to on f/book and she had just lost her precious cat, and i felt those words actually say that they are out of pain, sleeping peacefully and not suffering anymore. You did everything you could and you must believe that; reading your story I knew how much you loved each other and how hard it is when things go wrong. Take care of yourself; I am always here to talk, but remember your precious and sweet girl is at peace and not suffering anymore. Love and Hugs, Penny Xx

Hi Sophie
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I went through something similar with my German Shepherd, he had what's called CDRM which is basically the brain is not telling the back legs what to do, sort of a block along the central nervous system. When you mentioned that when you knuckled her back paws (turned them over) and she didn't immediately right them, that can be a sign that it's a central nervous problem. And unfortunately, like my dog, when it comes to treatment for this it's not going to be a cure. It may have eased it in the short term but there is no stopping it. I also had to carry him out with a scarf holding him up, and he rocked to the side too.
As for you not trying her with the meds. I have also read up about certain veterinary medications, and it's a bit of a gamble, all medications have certain side effects. But don't beat yourself up about not trying them. Your dog was a wonderful age and you did so well by her. We all feel guilt when we lose our pets, whether it's through illness, accident or old age. It is all part of the grieving process. All the coulda, woulda, shouldas, are unanswerable, and are also normal. And they will stop eventually. One day you will look back and realise you did do the right thing for her. She was very old and medication may have made her feel more unwell. Euthanasia is the hardest decision we make for our pets, yet it is the ultimate in love pushing aside our own needs and putting our pets first.
I have had to have both my dogs put sleep in the past year, so I know the pain you are going through, but in time it will get easier and you will look back clearer and know you did what was best. Please don't torment yourself for not giving her the drugs, I'm not a vet, but they would just be delaying the inevitable. Unfortunately our pets just don't live long enough, though yours had a wonderful long life. Just give it time and more time, and one day you will realise you did do the right thing, even though it's hard to see that at the moment.
Lots of love
Michelle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Mary, Penny, Michelle!

Thanks for your comforting words.
I think I’ll miss Sophie forever and I will have guilt forever too.
I am not sorry so much to pts her, because her life wasn't good in that way.
I'm only sorry that I didn't help earlier, not recognized the signs.
Probably my grief will ease. I don't know.
I live on Sanax, because can't sleep and can't eat.
How long does it take when I feel peace?
How long did it take for you to feel somehow better?

Elizabeth

Dear Sophie I cannot say to you there is a time, because we never forget our precious animals. I have not been able to have another cat ; I have never felt ready, but it helps some people to get another one in a short time. We all cope with things at different times and in different ways. There is part of the end of Toffee's life that upsets me and I try not to think about it otherwise get too upset. I am finding I can remember the good times more now. she is buried under the garden seat in the garden so I feel close to her there. You will miss Sophie forever, but she is in your heart so is always near you. Don't feel guilty; she wouldn't want that. Love and Hugs and please talk whenever you want to. Penny x

Hello!
I'm here again. Already 7 months passed since my soulmate dog had euthanasia. Guilt and depression come back again. I thought I was better, but I now I think that this feeling never go away. I've met already a bereavement counselling. What should I do? Is it a normal thing? Do you think antidepressante helps me? What is your opinion?

Hello Sophie, I don't think it is unusual for the awful feelings to come back again. I too have experienced the same terrible feelings I felt in the beginning after Toffee died. Sometimes if you are a bit low or upset the memories come flooding back and the desperation returns. How did you find the bereavement counselling; did you find it helped ? I have found a lot of help from my friends I have made on the Ralph Site, all sharing their feelings and their sadness; they understand; not everyone does ! Have antidepressants been suggested to you Sophie. I take them for depression which I have had for years; will always be on them. They did not help me through Toffee's death; she was so precious and like you I felt guilt and desperation. We are having another cat in a short while after fostering her while she had kittens. I never thought I would, but the sad start she has had in her life made me feel that Toffee would want me to help a little soul who deserved love and a family. I'm always here for you Sophie; I do understand . The love we shared with our precious pets was so strong and it takes time. Love and Hugs XX Penny

Dear Penny!

Thank you for your reply. The bereavement counselling helped me a little bit, but the guilt didn't pass. No one recomended me the antidepressant, just I thought that it could help to relief my feeling of guilt. I feel now I never want another pet.

Hi Sophie I felt the same, didn't feel I could ever have another pet, but reading some of the stories about poor little mites whose lives are not happy, now after three and a half years as I told you we are going to have little April. She will not replace Toffee; Toffee was the love of my life, and the tears are welling up as I write this, but I think she would have wanted this for us. Thinking of you with love and hugs; always here for you; it will get better, just take your time and open your heart to us on here who understand so very much. Penny Xx

Thank you Penny.