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Monday 19th January 2015 was the first time in my life of having cats and dogs that I experienced the shock of waking up to find our lovely 'crazy canine' Digby-doo had passed away in his sleep. Although I find a little comfort that he was in his bed that he love so much and that he looked like he was asleep and had passed peacefully, I just can't get my head around it at all. He was nearly 12yrs old but acted like he was 5 and very excitable (we'd only had him for 50 weeks from rescue bless him). When I spoke to the vet she said it may have been a heart attack or an aota or a blood clot). Its such a shock as all my other babies that I've lost have all had to be put to sleep, i'm used to them being really ill). I'm so frustrated as the evening before I fell sleep on the sofa and my hubby woke me at 11.30 to go to bed (he as said since that he was ok), I can't remember anything other than seeing digby standing (still) in 3 different places and can't remember seeing him walking around or letting him out and only remembering bright light when hubby woke me up on sofa), the vet said that its the shock that as done that. Digby was poorly in December but soon returned to normal, we went on holiday 9th January for a week and had a dog/cat sitter and he absolutely loved digby he couldn't believe how lively he was for his age (digby sounded like he was having a whale of a time) and when he was leaving he said he 'wanted to take Digby home' saying 'he'll live to an old age'...48 hours later digby was gone, i'm so glad we had cuddles the day before and told him that he was gorgeous and we got to have our last walk down the park together (to me that's a special memory now) I can't take it in that he 'just' died I keep thinking I missed something since December... I was supposed to take him for a thyroid test after 'he was feeling better' I decided to take him new year (2 wks recuperating and back to his normal self) but didn't take him as our other dog as a life threatening condition and was really ill in the 1st week of jan (but he was better before going away) so planned to take him after we got back off our hols (it wasn't an emergency blood test). He was his normal crazy self the whole weekend I was with him, ..i'm so gutted he's not with us anymore...I really feel like I let him down I can't stop crying... I've never experienced sudden death before...i'm still trying to make sense of it all - Liz

Hello Liz, i am so sorry to hear of the sudden death of your precious Digby. i can imagine what a shock it was for you and you must still be in shock. The one thing you can take comfort for was that he was in his own bed and you haven't had to make that awful decision of ever having him put to sleep. He sounds a gorgeous and lively boy and although he was only with you for 50 weeks he enjoyed every minute of it. I had to have my precious cat Toffee put to sleep 3 years ago; she had cancer and I am still finding it hard to move on. You didn't let him down Liz; you did everything you could for him in his life and could not foresee anything like that happening. We all go through feelings of guilt after we have lost a beloved pet, it's part of the grieving , questioning ourselves of what we could or should have done. Sending you love and hugs and I am here if you want to talk again. xxx xxx Penny

Hi Liz
I'm so sorry for your loss. I do know what you are going through, I lost my 13 year old Border Collie on 20/02/15, he was fine the night before and took ill in the morning. The vet found a large 'mass' in his abdomen and he had to be put to sleep. This is just over a year since I had to have my other dog put to sleep. So I understand the shock of what you are going through. For them to be fine one day and gone the next is awful and, like you, I am finding it hard to get my head around it. It is shock and we need time to absorb what's happened. To get up in the morning and they aren't there, to think for that brief second when I'm out, "I need to get back to take Hamish out." All that's gone. And it takes time to adjust to it.
I'm still trying to get used to it. People say, "You will get another dog one day." But at the moment that's not a possibility, I can't bear my home without them, but I can't imagine another dog that's not them. It's so so hard. My Hamish acted like he was 5, people were amazed when I told them how old he actually was. So to have a fit, healthy dog one day, and for him to be gone the next, is horrific.
All I can say to you is it does get easier in time, and the people on here are amazing. Try to focus on the love and care that Digby was shown while he was with you, and that he passed away peacefully in his sleep, suffered no pain and was at home with the people who he knew loved him, and he loved too. Too many animals have lives filled with neglect, abuse and cruelty and have never known love in all their too short lives. Because in the end, that's all we can do. Our beautiful pets just don't live long enough. I always thought Hamish would live until he was 17 or 18, he was so fit. But we never know what's going to happen.
Don't feel alone in your feelings, I am going through exactly the same thing, so many questions and no real answers. But one thing I do know is that he was loved and he knew that. And that morning at the vet I know I made the hardest, most heartbreaking decision through love for him, knowing it was going to break my heart into little pieces. But he's at Rainbow Bridge waiting for me with Jake.
I send you all my love at this awful time.
Michelle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you for your reply Penny, At the back of my mind I think that digby had an heart attack especially how he was when we found him, even the nurse said he looked like he'd gone sleep and just hadn't woke up and I'm sure she said he looked healthy as well. Digby was a very barky boy, excited at everything very barky in the car such a happy boy...and loud!!!. I used to say to him' goodness digby doo you'll give yourself heart attack'. so I wouldn't be surprised if it was his heart. The evening before digby & storm (doggy brother) both went bombing through the kitchen barking because there was a cat fight outside and he was scurrying to get off the wooden floor the vet said if he had a blood clot (she'd looked at his blood test from December) and if it was near an artury then that could have caused it as well. I try to think about how he looked in his bed, at the time we found him I though he'd gone in his sleep, but when you start thinking of other things they seem possible and because I can't remember much after being woke up that's frustrating as well its like its been erased from my memory I can remember things from the daytime/early evening but not much before going bed only digby standing still and bright light, not quite sure what that means. I might eventually remember in time I hope because I know if I saw he wasn't well I wouldn't have gone bed I'd have stayed with him. I know he passed in the best way possible bless him....its the not knowing, I didn't want him to have an autopsy because I didn't want him disturbing. I miss him so much...he was a real fuss pot (he was a collie cross) its the suddenness that's hard to deal with it just doesn't seem possible or real. I'm finding that it helps to talk now, at first I couldn't talk to anyone it was all piling up in my head. Thank you for letting me talk Penny xxx

I'm glad you feel you can talk Liz; I have found it helps to talk to people who love animals and do understand the devastation their parting causes us. We know what you are feeling and the many questions racing around in your head. I still question Toffee's illness and several things, but try to block them out now because I get so upset; try to focus on the happiness she brought us and the funny things she used to do. Animals are such characters aren''t they; no two are the same, all got their funny ways and indivdual charm. Your Digby sounds full of life and so happy and those memories will eventually take over the sadness. Toffee was very friendly and the neighbours miss her running to greet them; it is lovely when people talk about her, and I am sure your Digby was much loved and petted by all who met him. Always feel you can talk Liz; I know Michelle has had a very sad time and she will give you support and love; she understands what you are going through. Take care and Hugs Xx

Hi Michelle, Thank you for your reply and bless you for taking time with me so soon after losing your lovely Hamish only 2 weeks ago, I'm so sorry for your loss that must have been so hard for you to make a desision there and then...sending you hugs xx You sound like me with your Hamish. I'd tell anybody who listened that 'you wouldn't believe he was 11 would you' I was so proud of him. I guess its easy to forget about their age when they're so active. When we adopted Digby he was down at rescue as 9yrs old, after a few weeks I thought they'd got his age wrong, thought he was younger couldn't believe it when I looked at his passport and it said he was born 2003, from the location stamps it looked like he'd been in the forces, probably why he was so active bless him. One thing that you said has made me think a little differently, when you said about him being at home with everybody who loved him, I didn't look at it that way, I was upset because to me he was on his own downstairs albeit with storm and 2 of our cats, but that as given me something to focus on now. I woke up in the night sat up and thought 'god its cold' then went back sleep but when my alarm went off its was just not very warm to me, my vet said I could've woke up when he passed and that's why I felt so cold...you never know do you? and funnily enough storm was howling at my alarm, which was unusual so maybe he knew too. I hope you feel that you could have another dog soon I think once you've had them around you its hard to get used to especially the quiet...its so loud, and with Hamish being a collie, like my Jaz who was a collie x lab and graham..he was a border collie too and Digby a collie x, I bet he was always leaning on you and wanting fuss 24 hrs a day given the chance bless him, its definatly a collie trait I think. Thank you for letting me talk michelle, I wasn't quiet sure how to approach you after such a short time after losing Hamish, both yourself and penny have given me things to focus on when everything seems so hard and the things in my head seem so magnified and possible. I hope I haven't gone on to much. Sending you love and hugs Liz xxxxxx

Hi Liz
I agree with you about the quiet. My home is so empty, and yes, Hamish loved a fuss. If he was being ignored I would hear this tap tap tap, and he would be tapping his paw on the floor asking for a stroke. So funny. It's those things that make me smile. It is very uncanny how you woke up at that time, I do think the bond we have with our pets is so strong we do know when there's something not quite right. And you waking and feeling the cold was maybe him coming to you, so he wasn't on his own. As for Storm howling, I remember a friend of mine who's wife was at home and receiving end of life care, when she died at home her dog began howling. The dog had never howled like that in the 9 years they had had him. So they do know.
Collies are amazing, intelligent dogs sort of like little people but without the negative side of some human beings! (I think I'm going to end up an old woman with loads of dogs around me) Hamish used to bark and run at the TV when football was on so I used to change the channel, one day Alex Ferguson was being interviewed on the news, not a football in sight, yet Hamish ran at the TV barking at him. Because he associated him with football. As I said so clever.
Things will get easier in time, it doesn't go away and there will always be something that will remind you that will either make you sad, or make you smile. I hate football, but whenever I see Alex Ferguson on TV I smile. Every dog deserves to know and feel love and you showed Digby love, for the last few months of his life. You were meant to have him, he was meant to feel love and care at the end of his life.
Hugs
Michelle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Michelle, Sorry I posted yesterday but it didn't save for some reason. Yes Hamish seemed a typical collie bless him, funny how they all are fuss pots even people I've spoken to who have had collies and collie cross say the same, funny isn't it when they are associated as working dogs. Alex ferguson it must be his accent, some people say that animals can't remember or associate anything, I beg to differ. Last weekend I was watching the back end of wizard of oz and when the witch was looking in her glass ball and laughing etc my cat holly put her paws on the telly stand and she was listening to the sound of the witches voice her head kept tilting side to side and she got back down and got back up again then sat on the side table and watched from there it was quite funny. When you said that Digby could have been coming to me after I woke up cold, it brightened my day a little...thank you, I was having a bad day with it all. I walked home from work looking up at the sky and thinking maybe it was him bless him, it comforted me a little as I do believe in things like that. On the morning of my mums funeral I woke as usual then fell back sleep and woke to what felt like my bed being shook/nudged a couple of times, I thought it was my cat moving about but they were curled up with me, I've always said that it was my mum telling me 'come on get up its time to come and say goodbye to me' and when we had to have Graham PTS last year I was walking back up our street the next morning with storm and I swear I got a smell of the anesthetic the vets use, I though yes he's with us bless him. I knew Digby was mean't to be with us, he'd only been up for adoption a week and someone had already reserved him but didn';t bother to tell them they didn't want him anymore after their 7 day reserve.....why do people do that? so we had him, he was gorgeous, funny, cute and very loud!!! I hope he knew how much he was loved by us, I know he passed away in the best way bless him, I just wish I'd got the chance to give him a cuddle and say goodbye.
Love and Hugs
Liz xxxxx