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Well I'm glad I found somewhere to type this......
I'm devastated at the loss of my boy, a 14 1/2 yr old Cairn Terrier, Barley.
We made the heartbreaking decision to have him put to sleep last Tuesday. It was the right decision, I know this, he'd had enough, I know this too and I loved him enough to not want to watch any more deterioration, I also know this.
My head knows this, all of it but my heart? My heart is shattered.....and so am I.
It hurts, so much, the loss, grief, guilt, all of it has shattered my world and I can barely function.
My boy was my baby, although I have another dog (9mth old Scamp) he's my daughters pup (although as a mum, I do most of the care) I feel guilty about getting him too.
I had a week to spoil my boy, which I did. I cried for a week before and I stayed with him, holding him, telling him how much I loved him, till the end. I don't regret this but I'm haunted by it.
I never expected to feel this way, I knew I'd be sad but I thought because I was doing the right thing, I'd find comfort but instead I feel guilt.
I'm struggling to eat, to look after my daughter (who at 8yrs old is amazing) and I'm upsetting those around me. I'm speaking to my doctor tomorrow. I've never suffered from depression or anxiety and have always been so strong that these feelings of helplessness scare me. I hate being alone and everywhere I look, he's not here. If I could turn back time, I would, if I could fast forward time, I would.
Barley was a member of our family. He slept on my bed, he came away with us, he shared my ice cream and I adored him, we all did. He was a grumpy, smelly old rug but I loved him with all my heart and I want him back xxxxxx
I'm scared I'm always going to feel this way, please tell me I won't xxxxx

Hello Lorraine, You are not alone in your feelings; the grief of a much loved pet is devastating because we share such a special love. I lost my cat Toffee 3 years ago and still cry. Barley sounds a loving little boy and you were so close to one another; the helpless feeling won't last; you did what you did for him because you loved him so, and he knew that. The feelings afterwards we all feel; we ask ourselves why, so many times, but the answer is that we have lost something so precious. On the Ralph Site so many share their feelings and all feel the way you do; helpless, not able to function, and guilt. The guilt I felt to, but Toffee had cancer and we knew that there was nothing that could be done. Remember how much you loved Barley, what a wonderful life he had with you, how much he loved you, and treasure him in your heart, where he will always be. Sending you love and hugs Lorraine, and please talk again. Love, Penny xxxx

Hello Lorraine, I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of Barley. You seemed to have an extremely close bond, and he sounds like a real character. You obviously had a very, very special relationship. I lost my wonderful boy Big Fella, my great big hulk of a cat, on 6th January this year. Like Barley he deteriorated before my eyes, although he in spirit he was still my gorgeous loving big boy. I was beyond devastated when he was put to sleep, I felt like I was betraying him as I cuddled him while waiting for my Dad to arrive to take us to the vets. For a moment I put him back down on the floor and he went to hide under the bed. I stopped him and he looked at me like he knew these were his final moments. I still feel so sad and guilty......For the first couple of weeks I could barely eat or sleep. I even scratched my arms to try and take away the physical pain. It was truly unbearable and I had never experienced grief like it. I just couldn't bear my boy not being there, it ached so much.........Over a month on, I have much better days but I am still crying especially in the evenings when I am at home. I still long so much for him to be here...to lay on my lap, make a fuss of me and purr for what seemed like hours on end. I know that this grieving will take time....and I am just letting it be now rather then panicking how long I will feel this way. I suffer with depression also, and it has triggered an episode of depression for me. I am just letting it be and taking it a day at a time. It will get better...and I am starting to come to terms with Biggie's death but I know this hasn't got an end date stamped on it and I am trying to remember all the wonderful times I had with Big. This forum provides so much support, and there are lovely people on here to help you (like Penny!) Sending you love, thinking of you....Michelle xxxxxx

Hi. Firstly, what an amazing age Barley was. But regardless of that it doesn't make it any easier does it? I had to make the decision to have my Jake put to sleep. Yet even though I knew it was the right thing, the guilt, depression, pain, (physical and mental) was unbearable. It's just over a year now, but I think of him every day and still cry. The thing with making the decision to 'call the vet' is we are second guessing, in that I mean we are looking at our pet and are doing the thinking for them, hoping we are doing the right thing. And as they can't tell us how they are feeling, we make that decision for them. I think that's where the guilt comes in with all of us who have lost our beloved pets, because we have to hope we are doing what's right, but that little annoying voice comes in and says "Did I do the right thing at the right time." Or "What if I had done this or that." Which we all do, but is so destructive and negative. When we see animals in pain we want to make them better, but like humans sometimes there is never going to be a time when they feel better, only gradually getting worse and worse and more miserable.

I went through not eating, not sleeping and ended up on anti depressants, which did help. But there's no shortcut through grief and you have to just go through it. You can't put it off or delay it. If you had left Barley to suffer and be miserable, I would say, you should feel guilty, but you didn't, you did what was right regardless of your own feelings. That is the ultimate in love.
My thoughts are with you.
Michelle xx

Hi Lorraine.

Barley was a lucky creature to be so loved. You gave him a good home, a good life, and a gentle death. I'm sure if Barley could speak to you right now, he would tell you how glad he was to have spent his years with you, and how grateful he was for your love. I'm sure he would also tell you how deeply he loves you, and that the one thing he wants more than anything is what he wanted when he was alive- your happiness and your peace.

There's something I've been doing that helps me (I lost the canine love of my life recently too and the grief is crushing). We spent a lot of time together walking in the woods and now I find if I walk, and if I pay attention to the sunshine, to the smell of the air, to the crunch of the leaves under my feet, all the things we enjoyed together, it's a way of honouring him. It feels like he's there with me, and it brings a small measure of peace.