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HereToday I had to make the worst decision all pet owners dread
My Charlotte has gone to the Rainbow Bridge at 18 years
A rescue cat, she came to me in June 2011 - elderly and black. A sweeter, gentler soul I have never known. I guess she's been going downhill for a while now, and in my heart I knew this awful day was looming. After visit to vet last Friday she has deteriorated and reduced to a shambling unhappy kitty, constantly prowling and yowling the only peace she had was during sleep. Trying to eat, but not really wanting to. Last night was the worst, i cuddled and petted her all evening and she just lay in my arms, not moving. She had taken to trying to squidge into tiny corners as small as possible and I kmew she'd had enough. More cuddles and fond words and a big dish of, normally forbidden, milk. Then the dreaded final trip to vet. He seemed to feel her body outlived her mind - poor girl. There is a weird sense of relief as I know her suffering has stopped. But, but also, all the normal feelings of pain of loss. Wondering how I get through this, wondering how I did it 4 years ago when I lost Tillie at just 6 years to cancer.

I keep thinking of hugging that dear frail old lady, all fur and bones, to me. The warmth of her little body - gone, and I feel so bereft, want to hug her again. Terrible, terrible pain.

Hello Kathleen,
Thank-you so much for posting on here...you will get lots of love, understanding and support....
Your beautiful Charlotte sounds like a truly remarkable cat. You gave her the most wonderful, loving home, she must have been so happy and safe with you.....
I know how you must be feeling as my wonderful Big Fella passed away one month ago tomorrow....The physical and emotional pain was so intense I didn't know what to do with myself. He was everything to me, providing comfort and love when I needed it, I'm sure your Charlotte did exactly the same.
Initially I couldn't feel anything but intense loss and guilt but as the days and weeks went by I, like you, started feeling relief that he is no longer suffering. I still feel lost without him but as time goes by I am starting to feel better and think of all the happy memories of Big. And you will too. I still burst into tears and feel desperately sad, but I know that this is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process.
Please remember that you provided your lovely girl with love and kindness. You did the right thing by letting go.....she is now at peace no longer suffering. Always remember that Kathleen.
Stay in touch, thinking of you
Michelle xxxxx

Hi Kathleen
Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful age she was and very lucky to have been rescued by you. We all know what you are feeling. It is so sad when we lose our best furry friends, who are so loved. You have had to make one of the hardest decisions we have to make as loving pet owners, knowing how heartbreaking that decision is, we do it to stop their suffering at the cost of our own watching them go to sleep. It sounds as though she was telling you she had had enough and she wasn't feeling well. As much as we understand that it doesn't stop us missing them and wanting to hold them one last time. You are grieving but as time goes on you will look back and smile, knowing you gave her the best life she could have wanted. Your sense of relief is natural, it's so upsetting watching our pets deteriorate, and hoping that tomorrow they might feel better, and getting up in the morning only to see them gradually getting worse, reminding us how poorly and unhappy they are.
You will get through this again like you did with Tilly and look back with fondness rather than sadness.
Charlotte is now at peace, with all her pain gone.
lots of love
Michelle xxx

Many thanks to you both for such kind words and understanding - I have so many kind words from many cat loving friends. I think there is something special about cats, such intuitive creatures. Michelle Ball, so sorry to hear of your loss of Big Fella. Isn't the pain unbearable! So many mixed emotions, I feel Charlotte was telling me to let her go, but that doesn't stop the hurt the feeling of loss. Like you, I wonder if I took enough notice of her in her last few weeks. But she seemed to want tp just rest and sleep on bed most of the time -.my attempts at petting, cuddling and grooming were accepted for just a few minutes and then she wanted down. I felt it best to live by her choices. This doesn't stop me questioning myself - but it seems guilt is part of grieving. Got to go now. I'll write more later,,just nice to be able to share with those who understand.

Hello Kathleen, sending you love and hugs. The love you shared was so very special, and you gave her such a happy and contented few years. I understand what you are going through; I still grieve the loss of my beloved Toffee who went to Rainbow Bridge 3 years ago. The feelings after they have gone are so emotional and so mixed with questions and why's and what if's. Charlotte was so loved and loved you so much, and we do question ourselves; it is a natural part of grieving. We are all here for you Kathleen; sharing your sadness and understanding completely your feelings. Take care of yourself. I have photos of Toffee around the house and her little basket of toys is still where it always was. Our precious furry babies live in our hearts forever, and so are always near. Love , Penny

Thank you for so many kind words. Ok, so bad night with so much whirling through my brain. Step daughters came today and brought me flowers to help cheer me up! Sweet - now it's Charlotte's tea time, no little black cat under my feet - no conversation of her demanding food and me saying 'don't get under my feet baby, you'll get trodden on or have us both over'! Daft I know, but how I miss it, how I hate she's not here. How I wish we could go back in time and all be as it was. Just two and a half years we had her, such an unobtrusive (except for feed times), how did she leave such a big gap in my life, a big dent in my heart? Because she was the sweetest most gentle soul and a light went out yesterday. The house is so very empty. I will never stop missing my dear old lady and I will never forget her and her majestic, gentle presence. Tears :-(

Hello Kathleen, I shared your sadness and your feelings of emptiness. Charlotte was with you and around you so much and the gap she has left I know is heartbreaking. Our special little ones leave such a big gap, because they were so much part of our lives; they relied on us for everything, and we loved them so much; unconditional love; they were happy as long as well fed and loved. You gave Charlotte that and the love you shared will never die; She sounded a wonderful little girl, full of gentleness and sweetness; treasure her memory Kathleen. Speak soon. Bless you xxxxx Penny

Thank you Penny your words are a comfort. Going through dreadful guilt tonight, thinking how my poor little cat who had been wandering around howling and yowling for some time - getting worse to the point of trying to hide away - how on Weds evening she was so poorly I nearly called out of hours vet - unbearable to watch. I managed to calm her by cuddling and strokkng her. Eventually I had to move, so shifted her to cushion next to me. Where she lay prone and her breathing so shallow that once or twice I wondered if she'd gone - my daughter came to see her and agreed. In the night she woke us again howling, restless and not using her box - for third time in 24 hrs - never ever happened before. In fact my husband put in it, she got out and peed on the floor. Next morning back to howling and wandering - gave her a big dish of milk - not normally allowed as cats are lactose intolerant
At the vets I told him she was a poorly cat and not responded at all to treatment. He seemed to agree that it was her mind rathat was going - I could not bear to let her go on frightened and confused. I'd love a miracle but with her great age and her frail little body that wasn't going to happen. Now I recall how when I put her on the floor after lots of cuddles she was walking around but not howling - so I'm thinking. Maybe she was ok. Guilt and fear of doing the wrong thing. I've read that geriatric cats can do this, but it's short term and I don't see how after almost being gone the night before to being ok. Of course she wasn't as the time at home had been wandering dazed, confused and howling. Still the guilt of making the PTS was on my shoulders and I feel I took her life and the thought is unbearable at times - trying not to torture myself but not always succeeding - it was the same with my Tillie :-(

Thank you Penny your words are a comfort. Going through dreadful guilt tonight, thinking how my poor little cat who had been wandering around howling and yowling for some time - getting worse to the point of trying to hide away - how on Weds evening she was so poorly I nearly called out of hours vet - unbearable to watch. I managed to calm her by cuddling and strokkng her. Eventually I had to move, so shifted her to cushion next to me. Where she lay prone and her breathing so shallow that once or twice I wondered if she'd gone - my daughter came to see her and agreed. In the night she woke us again howling, restless and not using her box - for third time in 24 hrs - never ever happened before. In fact my husband put in it, she got out and peed on the floor. Next morning back to howling and wandering - gave her a big dish of milk - not normally allowed as cats are lactose intolerant.

At the vets I told him she was a very poorly cat and not responded at all to treatment. He seemed to agree that it was her mind rather than body was going - I could not bear to let her go on frightened and confused. I'd love a miracle but with her great age and her frail little body that wasn't going to happen. Now I recall how when I put her on the floor after lots of cuddles she was walking around but not howling - so I'm thinking. Maybe she was ok. Guilt and fear of doing the wrong thing. I've read that geriatric cats can do this, but it's short term and I don't see how after almost being gone the night before to being ok. Of course she wasn't as the time at home had been wandering dazed, confused and howling. Still the guilt of making the PTS was on my shoulders and I feel I took her life and the thought is unbearable at times - trying not to torture myself but not always succeeding - it was the same with my Tillie :-( I can still her little body - all fur and bones - warm against me in our final cuddle - can't listen to sad music or watch sad tv makes me so very sad. That little girl stole my heart.

I do understand Kathleen, as Toffee's last hour was something i try to put out of my mind. It seems when we are grieving so badly we go over the different things that happened; I still do it, but have tried to block out the last few hours of her life. She was diagnosed with cancer and we had her home for a few weeks on medication, and she picked up for a while, but the last few days I knew it was nearly time. I have her buried in a little grave under the garden seat, and it is always covered in flowers; primulas etc at the moment. We have a plaque on the seat in her memory. I have found comfort in her being near and always open the door and say goodnight. The hurt is still there Kathleen; the sad times are all that seem to come to mind when you're grieving. I felt like you that Toffee took part of my heart with her. I have not felt able to have another cat yet, but have just applied to the Blue Cross to do some fostering. I'm always here for you Kathleen and will be thinking of you. Take care xxxxxxx

Penny thanks so nice to hear your words, not about Toffee of course, but the sense of loss, the guilt are horrendous - I went through it all 3 years ago with Tillie and even that still hurts at times. I'm getting Charlotte's ashes to scatter in the garden and buying a plant for her. I miss that little girl so much. Not sure I can get another - can't do this again. It may sound horrid but I wished she had just slipped away on Weds evening as I cradled her. Everyone says I did the kindest thing but it doesn't feel like it. Got to be brave tomorrow as is my granddaughter's 3rd birthday. Thanks again for understanding -.goodnight and God bless you, Charlotte, Tillie and Toffee up at Rainbow Bridge.

I had a cat before Toffee, Kathleen, and felt just the same as you. I also prayed for Toffee to slip away while she was at home sleeping; I feel like you I can't go through this again, and thought that I would do some fostering. How it will go I don't know. I have so much love to give, but all I can think of is Toffee. With our cat Cheekie, we put a rose on top of her little grave, and I have never known a rose bloom like it, and the smell is wonderful; it is red. Tillie, Charlotte, Cheekie and Toffee are safe and free from pain up at Rainbow Bridge. Hope your little grandaughter enjoys her birthday. Hugs XXXXX

Lovely day out for my granddaughter's birthday - then the awful sinking sick feeling in my stomach of coming home where no little black cat to greet me, demanding to be fed. I hate this empty feeling around me - no disrespect to my husband - but that tiny and frail old lady has left a great big void behind her. Thanks Penny and others for kind words I am sure this brings back sad memories for you. I guess it's one day at a time trying to get through this dreadful time and so many emotions. I hope desperately that our dear pets know how much we love them and had to take such a heart retching step in the name of that love.

Glad you had a nice day out for your grandaughter's birthday. i have been with two of my grandaughters today; one is 19 on Friday and it is my son's birthday on Thursday. The relationship you had with your precious Charlotte was a very special one, and she has left a great big void behind her; it takes time to get used to coming home and not being greeted by your little one. Coming home I still miss Toffee, hearing the car draw up, all ready to greet us. They are a huge part of our lives and even if sleeping they were always company. Charlotte knew how much you loved her and she went to Rainbow Bridge surrounded by the love and tenderness she received from you. Hoping she has met Toffee and they are together chasing butterflies. Take care. Speak soon XXXX

Oh thanks Penny - so good to be able to write - easier than talking! I still feel sad for Tillie who also went 3 years ago. Twice in 3 years is hard to take - when she went so suddenly and was also a real sweetheart - I knew there was no replacing her but hated the house being so void of a cat. With friends help I decided to rehome a cat with little chance. Charlotte at approx 15 and a dodgy ear and athritis in her rear legs - black to boot - was perfect I knew that I wouldn't have her for too long and am glad for the time she spent with us. I had Tillie as a kitten, I didn't realise it was just as heart breaking with an older cat. It is! I set to wondering how any one could have sent to the cats home at her great age and felt sad for that. Story goes that her owner passed away and family tried to care for but she didn't fit in! I tend to believe she was elderly lady's pet and was loved and spoilt - she certainly had no fear of people so I think that indicates she only received love and kindness - I do hope so for she was sweetness itself. I loved it when we had cuddles and she looked into my face and licked my hair - her kisses.
I am going to do a dedication on here for her, when I feel stronger
Have a peaceful night.

Hello Kathleen, It will help you to put a dedication for Charlotte on here; I found it comforting. The Ralph Site is amazing; I was recommended it by my vet as I was so distressed that I wrote to my veterinary hospital a few times after Toffee's death; felt there were things I needed to know, but didn't ever get an answer; as I said to you i try to put those last hours out of my mind. On f/book I belong to a group called Bob the Big Issue Cat, and share some wonderful stories and experiences and also some sad times, when we all support one another. I try to be with people who understand; some people don't and think that grief is something for human death not animals. I don't think i have ever felt love like I felt for Toffee, and I understand how you are feeling; it is something special and different. I am always here Kathleen; it does help to share feelings and emotions. Take care xxxx speak soon xx

Hello Penny - I have been so entrenched in my own grief that I feel I've paid little to yours. I know how you feel about Toffee - and, grief is grief, animal or human. I have thought about this and I can only say that we feel responsible for our little pets aa they are not able to rationalise like humans. When they are sick they don't understand and can't tell us where is hurts. I worry that Charlotte was frightened with her imminent passing - people get scared, so why not animals. I am a Christian but i do believe animals have souls. Maybe I'm wrong, but each one is so unique, they do have feelings. Tell me a bit about Toffee if you wish. In the mean time - enjoy your Sunday xxx

Hello Kathleen, Nice of you to ask about Toffee; she was a tortie and we had her when my daughter was expecting her second child. Toffee was a little bundle of mischief and used to get into the first baby's cot, and my daughter was worried when she was expecting the second. I had not long lost Cheekie, and I think they were trying to help me with my grief; I was distraught and was not at all ready for another cat, but she came to us; seemed strange at first but soon was absolutely thrilled we had her; something happened one night; she used to go in and out at night and this particular night I heard a funny noise, ran down the stairs and she had been sick outside. She slept all day and at teatime was in a terrible state; some sort of stuff coming out both ends. We rushed her to the vet; they thought she had been hit by a car, but it is so quiet where we are and the noise I heard was about 4 am. She needed to be operated on straight away; it was explained it was going to be touch and go and very expensive. I didn't care, we had to give her the chance The vet rang me late evening to say all was well, although she had stopped breathing during the op., and they had decided that was that, but then had started breathing again. She progressed very well; had damaged her insides, so bless her, she did so well and recovered and soon back to normal. We had known her since she was born, such a pretty girl. The cost of the operation etc was well over £1,000 and we hadn't had her long enough to get her insured, but had to give her the chance with that operation. She was a very friendly little girl; loved the neighbours and anyone coming in to do anything in the house she always had to be around. I believe that animals have souls definitely, and I believe that we will be reunited. I think each one is unique. Toffee and Cheekie were completely different; each with their own little ways. Charlotte sounded very loving and cuddly. I wonder if animals are grateful to us for helping them with their passing. We can't do this for our human loved ones who can suffer so much and often ask to be helped to finish their lives. There is so much to ponder over and I do go over things ; I know exactly how you are feeling Kathleen and I feel your pain, and it is pain! Take care and speak again soon. xxxxx ; always here for you xxx

Hope you're ok Kathleen; have been thinking of you Xx

Hi Penny - sorry I've not been back to you. I need to use pc to write properly and only using phone now. I also have to find pics of her for the memoriam. Nice of you to enquire I will get back soon just been busy, which is good I guess. X

I just found this on this site - made me cry but so right for my Charlotte;
other very helpful overview of what to consider when planning your pet's end-of-life care can be found here.
'I was young!
I ran like the wind and
The world glistened, fresh and new
With each season.
Colorful leaves raced across the lawn,
Crisp and elusive.
Snowflakes danced in howling winds,
But winter posed no threat....
I was young!
Each season blended into the next,
And each displayed its beauty.
The years passed.
Your joys were mine, as were your sorrows;
Our love grew in understanding and
I served you faithfully.
Now, out of your love for me
I ask you courage.
I am old!
My sight has dimmed.
I no longer greet each season with joy.
I cannot run and my body knows pain.
So have the wisdom, dear friend, out of love,
To bid me farewell, and send me on my way with dignity.
And cherish each season that we shared,
For they are eternity.'

lovely words Kathleen and so meaningful. Speak later; take care. Always here for you xxxx Penny

Hi Penny - hope you are well. I managed to do a memoriam for Charlotte before computer played up and I had come back to using phone. You might like to see her pictures under C - which I'm sure you can work that out for yourself. Thanks again for kind support. Been a tough week but easing off somewhat now. I'm still waiting for her ashes to put in a sunny spot in the garden with a plant. Take care x

Hi Kathleen, hope you are coping. I will have a look at your memoriam for Charlotte; I'm glad you were able to do it and it is lovely for others to see her. Have been thinking of you; you will have days that you feel a bit better and then another day when not so good. I am ok thanks; having a busy week, meeting up with friends which has been nice. Very grey and miserable weather, but at least not too cold. Toffee's little grave is looking pretty with primulas and a Christmas rose. Spring is on its way! Take care and speak again soon x Love, Penny xx

Hello Penny - I hope your weekend is going well. It is so lovely that little Toffee's plants are doing well. I still haven't heard from the vet about Charlotte's ashes as I can't wait to bring her home, as you say it provides closure. I am coming to understand it was her time but still miss her. Her dishes stand on the kitchen windowsill - I can't seem to part with them juat yet - seems so final! Although it's early days I'm not are sure I'll get another cat. Can't go through that again. I've not been too lucky with cats. My Sadie, a very strong personality who used to terrorise visitors - but was so loving to me when I went through a difficult time in my life and who waited at the door for half an hour before I waa due home, no matter the time of day, and was simply beautiful with a face like one of this Egyptian statues. Her eyes were enormous and she was sleek and black, was sadly hit by a car at just over 3 years. Her soul mate, who she treated like her kitten, Ellie was a year younger and escaped from a relatives house whilst I was on holiday - despite every attempt we never got her back. She was as sweet as Sadie was sassy. Then came Tillie a timid little girl who fled to hide at every visitor. I already explained what happened to her. I guess I have been lucky with Charlotte as she was very elderly - I didn't have her very long but I guess that's to be expected. Sorry, I have rambled on a bit. Do talk more about Toffee or anything else - it is nice hearing from you. Take care x

Hello Kathleen, I do understand; I haven't felt I could have another cat; so heartbreaking when their precious lives are over. As you know it's over 3 years since Toffee died and I have just felt I couldn't go through it again. I have always said if a cat was in desperate need, a stray or homeless cat I would take them in and keep them, but have not purposely looked to get another one. We have decided to foster and have been to the Blue Cross today to meet some of the cats there. I have so much love to give and would help in any way, but it will be on a temporary basis. I still have Toffee's little basket of toys exactly where they always were. Do keep Charlotte's dishes on the windowsill; if they give you comfort keep them there for a while. They are part of Charlotte and there is no need to rush to get rid of things. We have photos all over the house, which I find helps You have had some sadness with your other cats; it does make you feel you can't go through that again. I wish we lived near a rescue centre as would love to volunteer to help but we haven't any near us. The weather here is miserable today, so dark and damp, still I suppose we're lucky we haven't had snow. Are you having a busy weekend. Take care and speak again soon. xx Penny

Hello Penny - what a wonderful thing you are doing to foster cats. I do live fairly near a rescue centre --it is the one Charlotte came from - it is fairly new and quite small and like a hotel for cats -'I did once email about volunteering as a visitor to help rescue cats but never received a reply. I didn't chase it up as my life is quite busy. I look after my - just 3- year old granddaughter one day a week and have meet her four and a half year brother and look after him till 6 another day. My husband is not terribly well and I think the worry of Charlotte's illness stressed him. So not just my own needs to consider. Id a cat finds it's way to me I wouldn't turn it away but, like you, I don't think I'll actively look. Charlotte didn't have toys she was way beyond playing when we got her - she had various beds but finally settled for her RSPCA cat blanket. I took it with her to vet so she'd have something familiar with her. I gave her food mat to step daughter for cat. It was new - I washed her dishes to give to my daughter for her two cats - but I'm not ready to let them go. I can see them when I'm using the sink and it is a little bit of her somehow. I get comfort from her photos and a video of her sleeping. I still have a tiny bear - called Sadie bear -'remember I told you about her -'she used to sleep with it and carry it like a kitten. I will never get rid of that. Soft I know but these little creatures shared their lives with me and it matters. Oops rambled on again. Let me know all about yoyr fostering I am very interested. Take care x

Hello Kathleen, What a shame that you didn't receive a reply from your local rescue centre; I always thought these centres were grateful for any offer of help, The Blue Cross is quite a few miles from us; I don't drive so my husband always comes along. A lot of the cats seem unsettled as find the environment there so different from their homes; I get upset when I hear about their backgrounds. When we went 2 weeks ago there was a little ginger stray called Jeff, and it was great today because a nice young couple came along to take him home; love stories like that. There is a lovely fluffy girl who has not adapted to the place at all and hides and is not eating very well. It is a cat like her that we will probably be asked to foster; to get her used to living in a home again and being made a fuss of. It's a lovely place and they are alll looked after so well. They have lots of toys and lovely cosy beds, and plenty of treats; we took some today as it was Valentines Day. There are a lot of dogs and rabbits; so many people don't realise what looking after an animal is all about do they and then think a rescue centre is the answer. Never feel you are rambling on; I'm always interested to hear all about Charlotte. . Just off to bed, so speak soon. Take care x Penny x

Hello Penny - thank you for story on going to Blue Cross - have you been accepted to foster yet? I imagine you hardly wait to get your little foster pet. Trouble with me when I go to the rescue shelters I want to help them all! I will probably go to Battersea and ask if I can help, but not ready yet. Of course I still miss Charlotte but more and more I am accepting it is good not watching her suffer. It was only in the last few days that it was so distressing but was awful and the whole thing not only affected me emotionally but made me feel physically unwell for at least a week. I've still not got her ashes back, so will call vet in a couple of days.

It's been a beautiful day here today, i hope it's the same for you. Tomorrow taking my grandson to my step daughter's where he gets to see his step cousins - all his real cousins live in Canada (my two sons'children). Better close - thinking of Charlotte and Toffee. I would love to see her photo some time. Take care x

Hello Kathleen, Haven't heard about the actual fostering of a cat yet; I think when they have a cat that needs some more attention in a home environment they will be in touch. Are you near Battersea; they like volunteers to go in and play with the cats; we took two of the grandaughters there and they loved it I feel you are not so distressed as you were, and as you say you did not want to watch Charlotte suffer. Toffee's photo is in the memorials on here; she was a pretty little girl and even today I shed a few tears thinking of her. It's been lovely here today; hope you have a lovely day tomorrow at your step-daughters. I am meeting a friend in the town, so hope it's still dry and sunny. My daughter lives near and my son is about 50 miles away so both near. Take care and speak soon. I am sure Toffee and Charlotte are great friends xxxx

Hello Penny - hope you had a good week and day out with your friend. We've been busy - with grandchildren off for half term, vistors and visiting. I took a peek at your Toffee, pretty little Tortie so like my mother's cat was.

Today we brought Charlotte home, my daughter came me. I saw a beautiful Japanese shub when I was out with my daughter on Monday and decided it was the one for Charlotte. We went to get it today at the garden centre and had a cup of tea in the restaurant there - then we went to collect Charlotte and bring her home. The nurse was very sweet and a huge cat lover. They even sent me a sympathy card! When we got home my daughter's husband came to help and we laid her to rest with her plant to mark her spot, which has sun all day in summer. So that gives some closure. The best thing was the plant's name, which I had not previously realised - Madame Butterfly! So perfect for my stately, elderly lady! So I am feeling much happier but will always be thinking of her with fond menories and love.
In answer to your question, I live near the Kent branch of Battersea - they also put Charlotte on their memories page - so many kind people - including yourself.
Take care. Kathleen x

Hello Kathleen, Have been thinking of you and wondering how you were. Sound as if you've had a busy week, which has probably helped you.

Glad Charlotte is now home; sounds a lovely spot where she is laid to rest, and the plant Madame Butterfly suits her so well. She is near you now and I think it will make you feel more comforted knowing that. I look out every night and say goodnight to Toffee, and her little grave has some lovely yellow primulas covering it.
It is lovely that Battersea have put Charlotte on their memories page; so lovely to share her beauty and love with other people. Toffee is in the Ralph Site calendar; which is lovely. Do keep in touch and let me know how you are. Always here for you Kathleen. Take care. Penny xxxxx