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My beloved Tibetan Terrier died in October, she was three weeks off her 15th birthday. With hindsight the signs were there that her kidneys were failing, but I just put it down to old age and by the time she was really ill it was to late and she had to be put to sleep. Everything leading up to her death was so gentle and she never knew a moment's fear or alarm, just love. The pain of her loss has been monumental, we were always together, she was funny and stubborn, hated going for walks but loved cafe's and pubs. I have barely been able to function since October, I have a knot of fear in my stomach always, am constantly crying and have no interest in anything. I can talk about her and Do all the time to my husband which is great. However I have started to wonder if she got kidney disease because of something she may have eaten in the garden. I don't know what's triggered this but I feel the need to work out why she got it. Did she drink out of the watering can when there was a bit of plant food in there, did she eat some compost, would that do it. I have started looking at what is on the packets of stuff we use in the garden. It's so stressful and I know it was just wearing out due to age. I asked the vet if I had let her down and he said renal failure is quite common in older dogs and not always easy to spot, in fact he had lost a dog himself to renal failure last year. The thing is this need to find a reason and ultimately blame myself is terrible on top of everything else. I feel I am going mad and no one in their right mind would do this. Any advice would be so welcome.

Hello Jane
I'm so sorry to hear the loss of your beloved girl. I know exactly how heartbreaking and over whelming it is, and trust me what you are experiencing is perfectly normal as you are in the early stages of the grieving process.

I lost my beloved cat in January 2015, and I felt completely and utterly consumed with grief; like you I had physical pain in my stomach as well as feeling beyond sad. Weeks past and I thought I would never come to terms with the passing of Big Fella. Sometimes I would have good days, then it seemed I was back to 'square one' again.

Questioning ourselves and feeling guilty is very common when grieving; for some reason our brains don't make it easy on ourselves during this time! I remember feeling tremendous guilt that I had my cat put to sleep, even though it was a compassionate decision - and the right one. Your (unfounded) feelings of guilt will subside with time, I promise. Unfortunately, kidney disease is extremely common amongst dogs and cats, and sadly, many pets succumb to it each year. You are not at fault, or responsible in any way. In fact 15 years is a fantastic age to reach for a terrier, so you must have given her a wonderful life indeed.

I would recommend you contact The Blue Cross for pet bereavement counselling; it is free, and you can receive counselling via email - as I did - or via the telephone. I found it extremely helpful and my counsellor "Bob" was so supportive. Visit the website for details.

Lastly, remember to keep in touch on here as there are many kind, supportive members on the Ralph Site.

Take care

Michelle x

Hello dear Jane, I was so sorry to read of the loss of your beautiful girl. I lost my beautiful cat 5 years ago and the grief I experienced was unbearable and I do understand how you are feeling; questioning about why and if and why didn't I !! It is something all animal owners experience after the death of their precious pet; always wondering why did it happen. Your beautiful girl was so loved and she knew that and it was nothing that had happened that caused the kidney failure other than her age; this seems to happen in older cats as well. I have found such comfort in the wonderful people on the Ralph site; all understanding how you are feeling and sharing your sadness with love and sympathy. Take each day at a time Jane; always here for you; take comfort in the love you shared and you know she will be in your heart forever so always near you. Love Penny xxxxx

Thank you so much for your words of comfort and support. It is so helpful. Our lives were definitely enriched by knowing Molly, can't believe how lucky we were to have had her.

Today has been hard for me. I did the walk Molly and I did every morning until she died, it was the first time since then, and I turned round as I always used to ( she was always behind hoping I would turn back!) and the path was empty. It was the saddest thing. I am not sure I will ever be happy again her loss is too great. Wish I could stop trying to work out why she got kidney disease its so irrational. What a misery I sound!

Dear Jane, I am so sorry you have had a hard and sad day; so difficult for you to do the daily walk you used to do with Molly. Could you talk over kidney disease with your vet or another vet, who would help you with your concerns? Take care ; always here for you; I do understand how you are feeling ; Love and Hugs Penny xx

Hi Penny, Thanks for your support. I did email my vet who said Molly had kidney disease because she was old and it is quite common. I do suffer from anxiety so in a bid to help myself I am going to write what I am thinking down, apparently that helps and try and give myself an allotted time to worry. Its not as if what I am thinking can have any positive outcome. It is good of you to respond I really appreciate it. Jane

Hello Jane, I also suffer from anxiety so do understand . Talking to others on the Ralph Site helped me by sharing my feelings. After 5 years of losing my adored cat Toffee, there are things that happened in her last hours I cannot put to rest. I try hard to remember all the wonderful things and life we shared but there is always that time that I will never forget; I think we all have questions that don't always seem easily answered . ; always here to talk Jane; take care XXX

Thank you so much for telling me that. As a fellow sufferer you do understand that anxiety makes things so much worse. I think the love you felt for Toffee was very deep. How lucky we are to have been able to give and receive such a strong emotion. It is quite a price to pay at the end though when it leaves such a void.Thanks once again for your warm e-mail.Jane

We are so lucky to have been able to give and receive such a strong emotion of love Jane. I have suffered anxiety and depression for many years and I agree anxiety makes things so much worse. We have adopted a little stray cat; it was 18 months ago, as after Toffee's death said I would not have another cat. We decided to foster for the CPL and she came to us, 10 months old and pregnant; had been found as a stray, with no name. We called her April as that was when she came to us. She had four kittens and after a few weeks April and her kittens moved on to another fosterer as my husband was going into hospital. We had decided then that we would adopt April which we did. I felt that Toffee would have wanted that; we had so much love to give and Toffee I am sure sent her to us. It took a long time to consider having another little cat, but she has brought such joy . Thinking of you Jane; take care and chat again soon xx

It is now getting on for five months since we lost Molly. I have more or less accepted that it was her time and I couldn't have changed the outcome, but the pain and sadness is relentless. I almost feel her presence in the house. I think it will be such a long time before I can ever feel happy again. A light has gone out of our lives that is for sure.What an impact our pets have on our lives. Thanks for reading this.

It was a big loss for you dear Jane; our precious pets are family. I myself took a long time to feel happy; something was missing; They brighten our lives; and the love we share you don't expect to ever end. Our pets do have a big impact on our lives; their funny little ways, , all so individual and often so funny. In time you will feel more at peace with the wonderful times you shared ; she is at peace now; no more suffering; just a gentle sleep after a happy life with you. You will feel better; take each day at a time ; some will be sad but eventually some will be brighter remembering the wonderful love you gave her; she knew this; love and hugs xxXXX Penny