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I lost my beloved Ellie yesterday. She was 12 1/2 and I really didnt expect her to die, I started to realise that she wouldnt last for ever last year and got real about one day her not being around - someday, oneday. I dont know why she died and its really hard, we spent the last month trying to find out, we still dont really know except her whole body gave up and although it is not useful to analyse why, I am finding it hard. Along with of course the empty feeling in the house, the fact she was my "office" cat and I spoke to her more frequently than humans :-) She had diabetes, it was ok, she became unwell, I knew in my heart it was more than the diabetes, she stopped eating, vicious circle of diabetic concerns, vet change, conflicting advise - I felt like we were shipwrecked with vets wanting clear diagnosic information, meanwhile I was struggling to know if she was ok, up and down with eating, deameanour, not drinking enough, nothing was acutally done to assist her until the last 3 days and she was so weak by then. The hardest thing is the memory of all the medical visits whilst holding faith, trust but also knowing she wasnt getting better and not being told to do anything. Helpless feeling lasted for too long and that makes me really confused and sad. What if's are pointless but I cant help feeling horrible about watching her decline when I still dont know if this would have been inevitable at this time or not. Miss her prescence and soon I hope will be able to remember that more than i can remember the medical aspects.

Sorry to hear that Sally. I obviously cannot comment on Ellie's medical history without knowing all the details but I can certainly understand why your sense of uncertainty and lack of clarity about her demise would exacerbate your grief. I am confident that in time you will be able to focus more on grieving for her and then in time on the happiest memories rather than your current emphasis.

Thinking of you.

Thank you Shailen - The vets involved in Ellies care kindly talked me through a few things yesterday and although I still dont really understand what happened, I am more prepared to live with that, because they dont know for sure either. They re-assured me that it was not as a result of our care for her diabetes and there was a mass and inflammation in the pancreatic area which they tested as non cancerous, but may have been. Its such a shock for her to be suddenly ill a month ago, seem to recover and then as we were attempting to diagnose and treat her she went downhill fast. Its been hard for me and my partner to know quite what was going on - looking back the stress of that really is understandable.

Then there is the grief of her not being here "well" - a companion for so long and I miss her terribly, she brought out something special in me and I can only focus on the positives of that and other things in my life that brought about the same joy. She was a very responsive cat to one to one interaction - mine mainly and eventually my partners. She wasnt handled as a kitten and nervous around people and the journey with her was one of gaining trust, I had to learn that too! Sounds silly but I do believe I learnt so much from my relationship with her, so much joy in the day watching her clean, the smallest things, her sniffing the air - I cant quite believe how empty the house feels and at the moment it doesnt feel like home - she made it a home.

Grateful for this website and ability to type whatever I feel at the moment - I am sure it will change over time but loss is such confusing thing at times, the relationship is still there, but its not, feels a bit crazy at times.

Completely understand Sally and I certainly recognise some of what you describe although grief and the relationship we each have with our companions is clearly an individual thing as well. Your comments remind me of this saying: "I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul." (Jean Cocteau). So true isn't it. I always think that one of the best ways to cope with the grief of bereavement is to do something positive when one feels able - something that you think Ellie would have approved of, something in her name and memory.

Glad that you are feeling a bit more informed as well. I am not sure if you have had a look at any information about me but I am a vet specialising in Emergency and Critical Care and have been lucky enough to work in some very advanced settings. However the reality is that there are often times when we simply do not know exactly what we are dealing with and can only make a 'best guess'. This can be difficult for all concerned and especially the carers of our patients that do not recover but it is the reality of medicine - not just veterinary but human too. I know it is easier said than done but do try not to blame yourselves, rather focus on expressing and starting to heal from your grief.

Take care.

Thank you Shailen, I hadnt made the connection that you are indeed the founder of this site, even though I read through it last week when I was talking to one of the nurses about "how do you know when", she directed me here.

That saying is beautiful, it's funny as now I look back Ellie did infact come into my life around the time I made a home again after university, work etc and has been an important part in this period of life.

I am feeling a little better about not really knowing what was wrong with Ellie and had enough information to allay the horrible feelings it was to do with her diabetes which we were advised was probably not the primary problem at this time. My head is now straighter with regard to me dealing with a short term acute situation, that appeared to get better a bit and then didnt and diagnostics were moving ahead but it all got too much for her body and too complicated.

I have been crying on and off as I realise over and over she isnt a prescence anymore but also lovely lovely memories and she doesnt feel that far away - just really hard not to engage in those everyday, almost constant interactions. It didnt help that Ellie was accidently mid-labelled at the vets and sent to the wrong crematoria :-( So that has been delayed a bit and trying not to focus on that, the girl responsible was clearly dreading telling me. Oh how Ellie hated a fuss, so let that go.

I really appreciate the site and writing, thank you again for your comments

Sally

Its been two weeks since Ellie didnt come home again and it seems harder in a way. Maybe because I think I have feelings whirring around and "forget" to feel them. Been feeling completely wiped out and almost dizzy, I hope this is the grief, I think so, because when I suddenly think of her deeply I cry all over again and feel clearer! I really really do miss her, at first I was looking for her, now I am just aware how much I accomodated her, how the things I did took her into account. Like yesterday, I moved furniture to decorate and put a shelf up, there was something missing and you guessed it, it was Ellie having a nose around to see what was going on, she would have laid on the newspaper just as i needed to move it and definately rubbed around everything when it was put back in its place to check it all out.

I bought a wind chime to remind me how much she loved to sit at the open window and sniff the breeze, I also bought a bracelet to remind me of the constant she provided in my life, "always there".

I got her ashes back last week and a big wave of dizziness overcame me, as if I didnt quite comprehend what it was all about. Its slowly settling in me though and I am really sad that that time has gone now and I realise just how much shock I have been in, the last three weeks were really quite harrowing, I just knew she was not OK, despite all the upbeat voices around me. This sixth sense is what is so hard, that bond, she of course, as many cats do had a great intuition and I do as well and those few weeks were really so very hard.

I am crying again now, so writing here is good medicine as lightheadedness is going, so I must have needed to come here :-)

Thanks again Shailen for all you provide here and the fabulous facebook updates too

Hi Sally,

I really do think that you are at least trying to do the 'right' things - expressing how you are feeling, allowing yourself to experience your emotions and trying to work through them. Also taking steps to remember Ellie by, the wind chime and the bracelet. Grief definitely can be exhausting and a good cry cleansing - perfectly natural and healthy, in moderation of course. Love your comment about Ellie and the newspaper - classic kitty behaviour!

Well, it has been 3 months now and there was a big gap where things were not so painful and then I noticed that I couldnt really remember her here. It was a horrible, I felt guilty, that I didnt look for her anymore or associate the places she used to lie. I know this is normal and healthy but it felt so upsetting, that really all I have now are memories and the real, solid ones are fading. It was then I realised it had been 3 months and had been putting off trying to write a memorial that I didnt want to do, it has helped though, to capture the essence of my life with Ellie, it seemed even more important as I begin to "forget" the actual sense of her physically.

I went through a phase of looking at rescue cats soon after she left, I know I was just trying to keep the sense I was a cat lover and owner when I am not anymore. Yesterday I saw a cat advertised needing a home as it is being bullied by other cats in the house, so much of me wants the bond again, but I fear that I will still be looking for Ellie. You cant just make a bond happen with a pet, I have had other pets and they didnt come close to the bond I had with her. I think that's what breaks my heart really, that I wont have that again, so confusing, because I realise its Ellie I would like again! :)

Hi Sally,

I read your memorial to Ellie last night; moved me to tears. So lovely and profound, what a wonderful relationship.

It sounds like you probably need to give it some more time before making a definite decision about another cat. Further down the line I wonder also whether fostering is something you think might be for you as a way of seeing how you feel about another kitty in the home. Its clearly a very personal decision but some people have found it a very useful way to dip their toes back into sharing their home with a furry one and see what happens with some of the uncertainties you currently have. Just a thought.

Take care.

Shailen, thank you for your message and comment on the memorial. I have had a hard few days since writing it, all the medical dramas and confusion of her last week came flooding back as if they were real. Woke up wanting to go back to the vets and ask questions all over again. Grief is a funny thing that can sometimes change the sense of time, I hope I will settle again now the memorial has been written and things stirred up.

Thank you for the idea of fostering, I am going to think about this, it does feel right in a way. I did see that some rescue homes not too far away often ask for help fostering cats with kittens until they can leave the mum. It appealed to the gap in caring and a good way to see whether I do indeed enjoy cats in general or if it was "just Ellie". I will do some investigating about fostering. Thank you