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We lost our darling boy in the early hours of Wednesday morning; he was taken ill on Monday, very wobbly, stomach pain, rapid breathing, and went straight to the vet. He was treated for a gastric reaction to Pardale, but overnight he didn't improve. On Tuesday he improved a little after having electrolyte solution every half hour. However he deteriorated suddenly in the afternoon and the decision was made to rush him the hospital 50 miles away. The vets operated but he was so very ill; they found a burst ulcer and his bladder had died. My dear boy didn't survive. I am completely heartbroken and cannot stop crying, the vets say there is no definite answer as to why this happened, other than it could have been an ulcer caused by the anti-inflammatories he was on for his osteoarthritis. I simply can't believe he's gone. I am finding this so so hard, I don't want to on without him , I'm so frightened that it was something I did or gave him that caused this, and I just miss him desperately. I don't know how to go on, I don't want to go on, he was my whole world , my reason for being.

I am so sorry, Claire. I know you are hurting dreadfully just now. Give yourself time and I can guarantee you will come out the other side. It's too early yet and you will be feeling very raw. Don't beat yourself up about the decisions you made. You did what was right for your baby. Healing will come gradually. Take care of yourself. Mary x

Hello Claire,I feel yor pain I lost Merlin Sept 1st due to Mitral valve disease but he also had osteoarthritus and was on anti inflamitories and painlillers. You did what you thought best and treated his arthritus as I did Merlins. I lost Merlin two months ago and emotions are still raw-Istill cry every day often . we do because we love them so much-he knew you tried to save him and that he was loved dearly as he loved you. I felt there was no point to my life either after losing Merlin but I realised he would want me to go on it takes time,all of us grieve differently and for different amounts of time. I send you hugs and sympathy-I know you loved your boy and did everything you could for your baby-be gentle with yourself-healing will come. Merlins mum

Hello dear Claire, I feel the pain you are going through and I send you love and hugs. You did everything you could for your precious boy, and he knew and felt the great love you had for him. Take each day at a time and always here for you; I do understand dear friend. Hugs , Penny xx

Thank you Mary, Minelda and Penny for your very kind words....it's another day without my boy but I still can't believe he's gone from my life. My vet was very good and called me today, he assured me that it was nothing I had done to cause the ulcer ....my main worry was something he had eaten and that perhaps there had been a partial blockage , but he said not as my boy had been eating and pooing as normal up until 36 hours before . But I still blame myself and start to doubt their assurances, does anyone else feel this way ? I feel like I'm going crazy with grief. I miss him so desperately, my heart hurts , such pain.

I totally feel your pain, it is coming up to nearly a year since I lost my best friend, Bill. I still feel guilty that he had to be put to sleep, but now I can see that because I loved him, I had to let him go. You will need time, and you will feel that your world is empty, but it will get easier. I have now rescued two pondencos from Spain, saved from death, although they are not Bill, I feel better that through Bill they have a chance at life. I still have Bills prints on the wall, I have a shrine, his paw print and ashes in a casket. As it is said it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Cry, shout do what ever you need to do, as your pain is real, but trust me it does get easier, take care

Hi Claire I still feel heartache for Merlin eight weeks on. Time does stand still for a while-please don't torture yourself with your boys last days-it will drive you nuts. I know I did it for weeks.I feel for you- we all know how you feel. Good memories will return slowly. Do what ever feels right for you. I found looking at pictures of Merlin upset me more at first but then I chose some to make a large collage with-this is now on my wall and reminds me of the good times. Give yourself time it will get better in time. Look after yourself. Love Minelda

Hello Claire, I understand how you are feeling; part of the grieving is going back over what we feel we should have done or not have done. I lost my precious cat Toffee nearly 6 years ago and I have the good memories now; it took time, but I have photos of her around and look out at her little grave in the garden every night before I go to bed; she is still part of my life and I remember the good times. You will feel like that; give yourself time and take a day at a time. It does help to talk to people who understand and we are always here for you. Love Penny xx

Thank you all so much, just being able to explain how I am feeling is helping; I feel people are accepting for a couple of days but then expect you just to " get on with things " and at the moment that's an impossible task. To really talk with people who have been in this desperately sad and tortuous mess is comforting. I keep putting my hand out to stroke my darling boy and the emptiness I feel is just unbearable.